Your Friend Isn't a Real BF Until: The 12 Stages Of Getting Drunk

Cheese and drunks nights with your best friends is literally the glue that holds your life together.

Stage 1: “I’m not going to drink that much."

Of course your best friends won’t listen to that crap and will tell you to STFU if you say you “can’t drink tonight", cause they know you and know y'all are getting lit. So you surrender cause you know they'll eventually wear you down. You: “ugh okay…it’s handled" (after you pick up the wine).

Stage 2: The Turnt Up Pregame.

Time to get excited. This is probably the most crucial stage of the entire night because everyone is tipsy and happy and full of important questions like, “are we going for classy or slutty tonight?" And “okay is he really going to be there?"

This is also the best time for pics because you guys are a few drinks away from looking crazy and slurring, “Yeth I would like another drank."

Stage 3: "I’m not even drunk!!!"

Sitting down: "I’m fine I’m not even drunk… these drinks are weak and watered down in this weak ass bar wtf." And then you go to pee and you find yourself sitting on a toilet and just smiling and nodding at yourself in silence.

Stage 4: I Have Chemistry with Errbody.

Suddenly you vibe with everyone…the bartender, the bodyguard, drunk nice strangers in the bathroom, your selectively social nature is way gone along with your filter and self-restraint. 

You start handing out compliments left and right: "omg you stunning, you beautiful, I appreciate that. Let’s exchange numbers," and having many “deep" conversations with strangers. 

Stage 5: They Ain’t Ready…

The alcohol has hit full force and your ratchet song comes on – everyone is feelin' themselves hard, Ooh watch me, watch me.

Stage 6  “Fuck it, let’s drink more." 

This phase always involves your friend encouraging you to drink more and encouraging each other’s hoe activities. Tequila somehow always convinces you that it’s a good idea to text that fuckboy…

Stage 7: Omg Shots.

You already fucked up but then you hear someone say shots so your body resurrects.

Stage 8: I missss hiiim. *Cue drunk crying*

You: But I miiiisss him. Maybe I should call him. *sniffle* Best Friend: Don’t even think about it. F*ck that asshole. Stab him. I’ll bail you outta jail.

Stage 9: NomNomNom.

The night is winding down and you literally feel like you could give up oral sex if someone would hand you a pizza at this very moment. 

You find food, pig out with your BFF's and feel like this is probably the closest you'll ever get to heaven.

Stage 10: Waking Up to Search for Water.

You wake up dehydrated AF and realize that you forgot to bring water to bed so now you have to find some asap so you don’t die. As soon as you find some, you chug like a gallon of it and then immediately go back to sleep.

Stage 11: "I’m An Idiot."

The first thing you do when you wake up again is check your phone and read your drunk texts – and then want to quietly bury yourself to death.

It’s amazing how everything you do and say while drunk makes perfect logic until you sober up and realize you texted fuckboy or he's laying next to you, you lost your wallet, you're missing a shoe, and you're a total idiot but will likely repeat this next week.

Stage 12: Going Back to Sleep.

You get something greasy and salty to eat and if you have enough energy you’ll call your friends to talk about the night, "I did WHAT?"

After you'll immediately go back to sleep because all of your problems are solved by a nap: when you wake up from your nap, either the problem has disappeared or has gotten so big that you can’t do anything about it anyways.

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