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To the Guy Who I Was Suppose To Grow Old With

“Why did you do it?” I asked the love of my life after he betrayed me, breaking my heart in a million pieces. “Why?” 

“It was probably the worst decision of my life to let you go and it will most likely haunt me forever. I wasn’t strong enough, to keep going, because the emotions between us were so intense. In retrospect that seems to me what real love must be; and I just ran from it because I was weak and scared of it and of you…” he replied.

“I wasn’t ready to be happy…you were the most special person in my life of all time, and probably the only person I actually let in emotionally. And that I wasn’t really prepared for that. At all…” 

I had so much to say, but nothing came out.

I loved you more than anything.

You held me so tight at night. I’ll never forget how you could never sleep when I was mad at you. We had so many moments that touched me forever – I’ll always remember those nicknames I made for you, the way I styled your messy hair after you showered, the look you had when I kissed your face a million times. The way you promised to love me ‘forever.’ 

I knew you had your issues, but I loved every single part of you. I loved hugging you when you felt sad, rescuing you from any depths of darkness. Maybe you were the wrong person. But you were the right wrong person for me. You were the right flavor of wrong, wrong for me in just the right way.

We fought because we loved each other.

I loved you more than I thought I could love anyone, maybe that was the problem. It got too intense. Our scars fell in love. We had fire, and we both got burnt. Of course you couldn’t handle it, it all makes sense now – all the madness, all the emotions, it brought you right back to your past, where all your darkness started. You were terrified of losing me, too. So you pushed me away first.  

I was searching for the missing pieces of myself.

I was looking for my missing pieces in all the wrong places. Until I realized that no matter how hard I looked, I would never find those pieces, because I gave them all to you. And they will always belong to you. When I accepted that, I knew I had to transform my life, get new pieces, find a way to let go and move on. So I did.

You were no longer there to look at me like I was magic, or to silence my crazed inner-conflicts, so I had to. You weren’t there to cast me into the wind and push me to fly, so I did it alone. 

You changed my life.

I still remember that day when I cried and you just wiped my tears away, you made all the pain go away. You took away my shield that I spent years crafting, and there it was – that vulnerable part of me, that innocence, the playfulness, the hopeful little girl in me who lit up and danced around you.

After we broke up, I was so hopeless, so out of control.

It wasn’t until I realized that you were really gone that I ran up against my deepest demons, my unsolvable problems—the ones that make me truly who I am. And I finally realized that your absence made me face myself, I had to let that new light in. You made me realize exactly what I’m looking for in this crazy world, all that pain produced understandings that created a new level of living, a greater level.

I forgive you.

No matter how much I loved you, I knew I would never go back to you. You broke my heart and I thought I would always be broken. I remember how we planned our wedding day, and how we knew in our hearts that we would never be settling with each other, because the depths of us and our love wouldn’t burn out in a million years. 

I miss that part of me that I gave to you. But I don’t regret giving it to you. You cherished it as much as you could with your heart full of bandages. 

I was alive with you, you touched me forever. But most importantly, I forgive you. I know it wasn’t for a lack of love, but because we loved to the fullest extent that you pushed me away. You promised me ‘forever’ because you wanted it more than anything, not because you were ready.

And I forgive you.