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To the Friends Who Saw Me Through My Darkness

Of the many things I value most in my life, are my friendships. The people who have seen me through everything. Accepted me. And was the constant reminder, that even at my worst, it doesn’t compare on the spectrum to who I am at my best. 

I am a firm believer, that more than anyone else, we are our own worst enemy. 

“I think that when it comes to how we see ourselves, other people are really mean, but we’re really mean to ourselves. And so it’s easy to get confused.”  Taylor Swift 

While the life we lead, is in our hands entirely, sometimes we are all bound to hit rock bottom. Whether that be a mistake, we haven’t forgiven ourselves for. That dark part we ourselves, like to keep hidden, whether it be depression, anxiety, or any of mental health, that we only wish we could control. 

Or it’s just nights completely breaking down from stress, or heartbreak at two AM, when we are sobbing on the bathing floor. We reach for someone and sometimes those people reach back. They remove us from that dark place, we have allowed ourselves to fall into, and they save us. Because it’s easy for friends to save us from others, who may not treat us the way we deserve, but it’s a whole other battle, when the task at hand, is to save us from ourselves and the self destruction we cause in our own lives. 

Because others with the passing of time, have proven a tactic of fleeing, when things get bad. But then, there are those who choose to stay. 

Because friendship isn’t a contract signed in stone, but rather someone standing in front of a door, that is open. 

They don’t leave you, instead they remind us we are not alone. 

So to every friend, I thank you. 

You’ve forgiven my mistakes. 

There is no doubt we’ve all made mistakes. We have all probably hurt people and said things we regret. We enter this life with a clean slate, and it’s like we are given a paint brush, but with no instructions how to go about using the tools. Then we completely destroy that blank purity, just by living. 

But despite how ugly some of the colors you painted may be, there is beauty to chaos of the colors the prevail. 

And our friends are there to forgive us for the mistakes. Because what kind of life are you leading if you aren’t remotely f*cking up your life a little, and seeing who stays? 

I’ve had my fair share of mistakes. 

From nights with too many cop encounters, to parents frantically calling my friends, with the question they have all heard before, “where the hell is she?” To nights out drinking where I’ve said things I regret. Despite all of the horrible things I’ve done, my friends have forgiven me for it. Despite hurting them sometimes. Despite making the wrong choices, they have stayed loyal to fault.  

You’ve liked me when I didn’t like myself. 

We all have parts of ourselves we don’t like. We all have pieces, we wish we can could change. We all muddle through life, trying to grasp an understanding of it all. And along the way, the world kind of sort of teaches us to not like ourselves. And for some reason we believe it. We get our heart broken, and we believe it’s our fault. Someone hurts us, and we pick ourselves a part overanalyzing everything. 

My friends have liked me in the moments I didn’t like my own reflection. My friends have liked me in the times, where I didn’t even recognize myself. They were that reminder of who I really am. They broke down every wall. I know with confidence, many people will teach me to build those walls high, and trust few. But within the walls I build, are the people I trust most, who I know won’t hurt me. 

You’ve accepted even the dark parts I keep hidden. 

We all have darkness that lives within us. And it’s how well we can function concealing it, that allows us succeed. And we wonder, will anyone ever be able to accept this part of me, when I have yet to accept it myself? 

But then your friends come and enter your life and in parts we reveal this portion of ourself, we aren’t proud of. And instead of rejecting us, they sit there with us, in the darkness, being the light we need. 

I live not so proudly with depression. I say live, because I refuse to suffer from it. And there are moments I’ll wake up and I just won’t feel myself. Like this darkness is consuming me, for however long it should reside there. And dealing with this comes with cancelled plans abruptly, it comes with not being able to explain this feeling and someone having to be comfortable with my silence. It comes in acceptance of dark thoughts and not being myself. 

The common text my friends have gotten, “not feeling myself today, I’ll text you tomorrow.” 

There are no questions as to why, there is no making me feel bad about it, but rather that reassurance that they are here if I do need them. 

You’ve seen me at my worst….

Through the tears of black makeup running down my face. To the ones who hold my hand in times of confusion. My friends have been there. They have been the ones carrying me out of a bar, when the self destruction I choose that night, comes in the form of one drink too many. They have listened to slurred words, they have watched without judging, they have forgiven when I crossed lines I shouldn’t. And they have been there for the bigger moments. They have been there for every funeral. They have been the company when I didn’t want any. They have been there, when life has thrown me many curves balls, reminding me to swing again. 

While reminding me of who I am at my best. 

Because while we might not all be perfect, we all have good in us too. We all have this ability to strive to be better than our mistakes. We all have the ability to choose goodness and improve. 

Because who I am at my best is someone I hope balances out my bad qualities. 

But when you have good friends, they don’t even bat an eye compare the two versions of yourself, because the way they see you, is for the good you possess, and the good you have added to their lives.

Because we’re only as good…

I am a reflection of every encounter, I have ever had. I am in parts, each person who has left an impact on me. And if you broke me down, to skin and bones and saw what was in me, it is every person who has ever loved me. It is every person who has ever accepted me. It is every person who has given a portion of their life, time which is life's greatest gift. 

So while we are all our own selves and we all have this template that was once blank, within every stroke and within every color, is the people who choose to be in our lives.

As the people around us who make us better. 

And while not everyone stays for the entire journey, I owe much gratitude, to even those who have left. Each having their own reasons, and maybe it was me. But to everyone, I am most grateful for the time we did have. 

But, of the things I hold with much gratitude, are those who choose to stay. They each know I’d take a bullet for them, because they are the ones who make my life worth living. 

They are the ones who save me from myself, like guardian angels walking beside me. 

"I will never let you fall I'll stand up with you forever I'll be there for you through it all Even if saving you sends me to heaven" 

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