At some point in my life, I just gave up.
No matter how many times I’ve been told I’m pretty and no matter how many weird “compliments"? I got from random men, I was convinced no man wanted to date me. Or at least, date me like a person.
Because I tried.
I did everything I could to get someone to take me out on an actual date. The only nice date I had ever gone on was a blind date and it didn't really go anywhere. If I did go on a date, it wouldn't be a date, but a Netflix and chill attempt I had to make an excuse to get out of before it could even begin.
Or I'd be interested in a guy, but he'll literally worship every female friend in my group and never really pay attention to me.
Or a guy would place me in that grey area between not being a friend and not being a girlfriend either. He would just "try me out" to see if “something"? worked.
When it comes to dating, I’m always left with what the f*ck is that supposed to mean?
I came to the conclusion that I just wasn’t the kind of girl men dated. I may be pretty but I'm not worth the effort. I guess I'm just the kind of girl you lust after or fantasize about, not the girl you fall in love with.
I say “guess"? because though I came to that revelation, I refused to satisfy anyone's lust.
I decided at one point when I overcame my depression, to live life for myself and never settle for less.
I understand that the saying “you can't love someone unless you love yourself"? isn't for everyone but it was a survival tactic for someone like me who felt the darkest parts of loneliness.
I had no choice but to love myself because I had to understand that just because people were incapable of loving me in a romantic sense, didn’t mean my life was over or pointless.
It’s okay to want to be loved, but sometimes you’ll encounter people who just can’t do it and it’s not always because of you but because they’re just not ready for you.
And that’s okay because that brings up the opportunity to do the things you always wanted to do besides dating or falling in love.
You may feel like the undateable girl but be patient because in time when you least expect it, you’ll meet someone along the way.
But in the meantime, get to know yourself because you do matter and you do deserve to be loved.
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