Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you. – “Fix You,” Coldplay
What’s broken eventually needs to be fixed, but that doesn’t include people because people can’t be fixed.
I can’t be fixed.
I have problems to work out, memories that I need to bury, grief that should have expired, and demons that are still convinced that they’re gonna win. I’m broken and it’s certainly not pretty.
My scars close and sometimes reopen. My wounds either become scars, or they reopen entirely exposed, again.
But no matter what, I can’t be fixed.
I’m not a broken bone or a leaking pipe, nor am I an unhinged door. You can’t just put me back together and that’s it.
I have many layers to who I am, so many emotions I sometimes keep a lid on, so many tears that can flood a city and smiles that can light up the day or hide a thousand tears.
I’m ever changing.
My thoughts come and go. They run and sit still. Trying to keep control of them and holding onto a slippery piece of thread, is the same experience. I’ve had more crises in my recent years than most even have in their lifetime.
No matter how hard you try, you can’t fix all that.
So please stop trying because you’re not my therapist.
You’re not a construction worker tasked with putting me back together because you didn’t put me together in the first place. You’re not my personal surgeon, because my brokenness is much more than skin deep.
You’re my lover and my friend.
I need your love. I want your arms around me and your kisses planted on my forehead, cheeks, and lips. I want your fingers caressing my skin, to wipe the tears away from my eyes.
I want your love because it’s all I need from you. You don’t have to fix me.
Just let me heal.
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