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I'll Compromise For You, but I Won't Sacrifice

We’ve all heard the joke, the one that goes something like, “My girlfriend wanted to watch a movie. I wanted to go bowling. We decided to compromise, so we’re watching a movie.” 

The joke can be funny, sort of, if the latest variation includes a reference to something culturally topical. I saw it floating around Twitter a few weeks ago when the latest Hunger Games movie came out. In that adaptation, the girlfriend wanted to see Mockingjay Part Two, the boyfriend wanted to see James Bond, and they “compromised?? and ended up at Mockingjay.

It got a lot of retweets, so it obviously got laughs, but is the joke really that funny? The humor loosely lies in the idea that one partner is domineering and always gets their way, which can make for an amusing 140 characters, but is totally unsustainable in real-life relationships.

See, jokes like that give credibility to bad behavior, and in relationships, which are supposed to be equal partnerships, bad behavior just doesn’t cut it. When one person acts selfishly, the other person loses, and that’s not funny.

Compromise is a key element of successful relationships, but too many people confuse sacrifice for compromise. In small doses, sacrifices are generous, kind, and useful in a relationship; too often, though, one person is stuck doing all the sacrificing, believing they are compromising for someone they love.

Compromise is falling asleep holding hands when one partner wants to cuddle and the other prefers to sleep alone. Sacrifice is falling asleep separately in the same bed. One partner feels lonely and restless while the other sleeps soundly.

Compromise is going to the diner down the block when one partner wants an extravagant date and the other wants to stay in. Sacrifice is going to a five-star restaurant, spending too much money, and feeling unheard and under-valued.

Compromise is taking a ballroom dancing class when one partner wants to take advanced salsa but the other struggles to keep rhythm. Sacrifice is taking salsa, tripping, falling, and feeling humiliated while the athletic partner moves on to dance with the instructor.  

I’ve spent a lot of my adult life sacrificing for people, especially in romantic relationships. I’ve always told myself that doing what the other person wants is fulfilling to me, since I love them and value their happiness.

The thing is, though, it isn’t really fulfilling to constantly be overlooked and disappointed. In fact, it’s pretty unfulfilling, to say the least.

Because I’m tired of having my needs and wants ignored, I’ve stopped sacrificing and started demanding compromise. I have put other people first for as long as I can remember, but it isn’t selfish to expect the same from others, especially those who claim to love me like I love them.

I’ve learned that I have the right to voice my wants and reasonably expect my requirements to be met. So do you. A relationship is supposed to be 50/50 in all ways and you deserve to go on the dates you want to go on, fall asleep the way you want to fall asleep, and feel like your needs are respected.

Don’t expect someone else to sacrifice for you every day and don’t allow yourself to sacrifice constantly for anyone, either. Healthy relationships are not a joke. They do exist, regardless of what self-styled Twitter comedians would have you believe, and you deserve to be in one, reaping the benefits of having a partner who is your equal.

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