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I Loved You Enough to Hate You When it Ended

I fell to my knees upon hearing “it’s over.??? It was like everything I had come to know was a lie. I thought back to every moment and how quickly the joyful memories replayed in my mind with a bitter taste of regret and sorrow. 

I begged and bargained and pleaded for him to stay but I knew very well, once someone had made up their mind about leaving, the sad truth was they’ve probably decided that a while ago. 

I sped down the highway with tears making my vision blurry and a cell phone in one hand. 

“It’s over,??? I said to my friend on the other line. 

Just saying those two words sent me into a whirlwind of emotions and hysteria. I was in a state of disbelief. Denial really. How could something so perfect end so badly and why?

I hated him for how it ended. More so, I hated him for the person he made me become in his absence. I became someone I didn’t recognize. I became someone who was weak and sad and desperate.  

Everywhere I looked I saw him. He was in every picture frame. He was in every gift he ever gave me that sat around my room. He was everywhere yet he was nowhere to be found, his memory haunting me in the cruelest of ways. I looked in the mirror with bloodshot eyes and makeup that ran black down my face. His role in my life wasn’t just someone I loved but someone I had come to need in our time together. 

I think that’s what I hated most was thinking I needed someone to be happy. 

I stared at the ceiling not blinking. It’s funny how loud silence can be. It’s funny how it can consume you.

The promises of forever and never walking away became just another tale of fiction in my life. 

Messages of “good morning beautiful,??? we’re all a thing of the past. 

It was crying so hard I actually thought I was gonna throw up from it. 

It’s not being hungry because even if there were hunger pains, heartbreak panged much louder.

I hated that he changed me like that. 

It’s reaching for anything to get me through the day or night.  It redefined what I thought rock bottom would be like. 

It’s scrolling through my newsfeed, watching as his life went on and it feeling like mine had been put on freeze 

I hated that it didn’t hurt him and here I was taking every blow. I hated feeling like a prisoner in a place that used to be home. 

But really I knew the only reason I could hate him at such an extreme was because I loved him so deeply.  

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