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8 Signs that You Rock the Single Life

If you’re a person who is forever single, you start to get good at it. You don’t need to have another person hanging around, trying to, like, get up in your personal space, touching you and shit. Um…how about no.

So when a love interest comes into your life, it’s not as easy as you’d expect.

1. The bed is all yours. And then this person tries to snuggle up to you and takes up half the space.

It’s a lot harder to sleep diagonally when a whole other person is hogging your bed. And your blankets. And pillows. They basically ruined everything. It’s your own bed and you can’t toss and turn, or sleep in your normal positions.

2. Cute little signs of affection freak you out.

Good morning texts, flowers on a date, opening doors, and little love notes are not welcome. It’s already enough for you to share your life with another person, so these little gestures are just too much. You don’t need (or even want) someone else to pay for you, or to tell you that you’re good looking, or to remind you that you’re loved. How about everyone just fucks off?

3. The whole concept of a date is foreign to you.

Getting out of bed on a Friday, putting on pants, and attempting to look cute for someone else? AND you have to leave your house and interact with other people? That sounds like absolute hell. You’d rather invite your person over to watch Netflix, and kick them out when you feel like going to sleep.

4. You cannot, for the life of you, take a compliment.

“Aw babe you look so cute!” or “Wow, you smell so nice!” usually catch you off guard. You’re not used to people saying sweet things about you, and you don’t really know how to respond. Do you return the compliment? Or just say thanks? Is that rude? Dating would be a lot simpler if people weren’t trying to confuse you all the time.

5. Cuddling is a little too weird. You’ve been spooning your body pillow for years and you don’t need a boney person crushing your arm.

Other people will never match the superior comfort of a body pillow. You can smush it, lie on top of it, and throw it off the bed. But people? They try to snuggle and intertwine your legs and turn your bed into a rat’s nest. You find that it’s much more difficult to sleep when you’re constantly waking up to readjust your dead arm. Pillows don’t complain when you move around…

6. Sappy, mushy, couple things are disgusting.

No PDA. Ever. No hand holding, no ass grabbing, no kissing, no weird caressing, and no puppy eyes. Please. Couple things make you uncomfortable. You’ve gotten so used to having a personal space bubble, that anything more than a handshake feels like manhandling. And PDA is just nauseating. Bleh. Other couples make you sick enough; you don’t need to be doing that shit yourself.

7. Trying to be polite, cute, and well-behaved is like death.

The worst part about starting to date someone is that you always have to be nice and showered. It’s probably too soon to start wearing stained sweatpants with unwashed hair in a messy bun around your partner. You can’t really burp in front of them, or tease them for their dorky sweater.

8. Commitment is just not something you need right now.

The whole relationship thing may be for some people, but you’d rather live your life, fucking bitches and gettin money (haha, just kidding!).You’re independent and you love it that way.