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You're Toxic, But I Love The Poison

You are exactly everything that’s bad for me, the epitome of all the things my dad warned me to stay away from when I was a kid. My very own emotional drug, giving my heart a high like no other. Knowing how your poison makes my heart feel everything a thousand times with more intensity, I can’t get enough of it.

And even though you’ve done so much damage in my life and to my heart that it’s almost irreversible at this point. I’m not ready to deal with the withdrawals I’ll experience if I accept that our story doesn’t have a happy ending.

Your love leaves me weak in the knees, it always has. I crave it from the second I wake up to the second I close my eyes at night. For the longest time, I didn’t care if I was in love with the devil, as long as he loved me in the way that he loved hell, I thought I’d be happy. 

I have given you all my thoughts and now I’ve officially lost my mind. I gave you everything in me and you just stood there, watching me run on empty. 

It’s funny because I wasn’t a thought in your mind, but you were screaming in mine. You consumed my thoughts like the addictive drug that you are and drove me insane until you were the only thought I could create.

I held you above ideals and I would do just about anything to protect that image I have of you. I’d make excuse after excuse for you, to my friends, my family, myself. I gave you the power to control my smile and my worth. You only abused that power. I am my own ghost haunting the memories that I love the most and those memories were all of you.

I wasn’t asking for much from you, honestly. I was just asking for all the things I know I deserve from you. But you just couldn’t give them to me. I’m not sure if you couldn’t give them to me or you just chose not to. 

All I wanted from you was the effort I was putting in to be returned. I’m constantly fighting a one-sided battle and it’s exhausting. I can only give so much without getting anything in return. And I’m at a point where I have almost nothing left to give.

I need to come to the realization that you may not be part of my future and my destiny, but rather just a prominent part of my past. Going forward, I need to learn to accept the apology that I never received and probably never will. I have to realize that some people can be in your heart, but not necessarily in your life. 

Even after all of this, after all of the pain and poisoning I’ve suffered, I still can’t let you go. Your smile feels like home and your arms are still my comfort. I continue to hope for a change that I know will likely never come. 

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