What the Girl Who is Hiding Her Depression Really Wants to Tell You

It’s me.  Your daughter.  Your mother.  Your sister.  Your friend.  Your coworker.  I am many things to many people.  But I have been hiding something.

I am depressed.

I know shocking, right?  I am the girl that loves life.  I laugh, I’m sociable.  I can be the life of the party.

Except when I’m not.  The truth is, I hide it very well.  The truth is, there is a lot of things you don’t know about me.

I am tired.  Always, tired.  Working 8 hours a day takes a lot out of me.  When I get home, all I want to do is veg out in front of the TV, or curl up with a book.  I don’t have the energy to do anything else.

My house is a mess.  Have you ever wondered why I always suggest we go somewhere public or hang out at your house?  It’s because I don’t want you to see my mess.  I blame it on always being tired.  Simple things like doing the dishes, seems like a daunting task. Things that would only take a couple minutes, feel like hours in my head.  And I can’t always get the energy or motivation to get it done.

I hate being alone.  I will always try to fill my weekends as full as possible.  I will do anything to get out of my messy house and away from my thoughts.  Because it’s when I’m alone that it’s the worst.  That is when I am the most depressed.  When I feel like I’m a failure at everything I do.

Except for the times people are too much for me to handle.  Then there is the times that I have to be alone.  That I can’t be the woman you all know and love.  So I disappear for a couple weeks to recharge.  Try to get my life back on track.  When you ask where I’ve been, I’ll simply respond with, “I’ve been busy.”  But I haven’t been busy.  I’ve been lying in bed trying to get the motivation to start living my life again.

But I will always come back.  I know my depression isn’t as bad as it is for others.  I can function.  And the person you know, is not fake.  I really am the girl that finds joy in simple things.  I really am the mom that will smother you with kisses and enjoys a good cuddle.  I really am the friend that will be there for whatever you need.  I’m not putting up a front for you.

But I have never let you see the other side of me.  I hope you can accept it.

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