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'Wash My Hair With Nair' and 59 Other Things I'd Rather Do Than Take You Back

Okay, I get it. I was heartbroken when we ended things. I thought I’d never get over you. I swore we were meant to be together. Luckily, I got all that crazy shit outta my head. You never deserved me, and I know my worth now.

But for some reason, that over-sized ego of yours needs to be deflated a little. Let me help you with that. Just so you never ever ever ever get it confused again. I would rather do all of these things before I’d ever even consider taking or wanting you back.

1. Have drinks with Bill Cosby.

2. Take a nap in quick sand.

3. Blow dry my hair in the bath tub.

4. Let Mike Vick watch my dog.

5. Buy a brand new iPhone and drop it face down as soon as I walk out of the store.

6. Hit the Powerball, then lose my ticket.

7. Get tanning advice from Donald Trump.

8. Buy a pet alligator.

9. Go deep sea diving with sharks.

10. Play in traffic during rush hour.

11. Take a bath in a swamp.

12. Buy a Ferrari and let my 13 year old sister drive it off the lot. 

13. Marry a complete stranger off the street.

14. Go for a brisk walk along the Golden Gate Bridge.

15. Ride in a taxi with Hannibal Lecter.

16. Develop an allergy to wine.

17. Sleep with a blanket made of poison ivy.

18. Use a bleach and ammonia mixture to clean my bathroom.

19. Chain smoke at a gas pump.

20. Use hand sanitizer to treat a third degree burn.

21. Brush my teeth with Vaseline.

22. Wash my hair with Nair.

23. Drink a gallon of expired milk.

24. Fill my gas tank with sugar water.

25. Use vodka for eye drops.

26. Wash my face with Hydroflouric Acid.

27. Sniff a line of pollen.

28. Slam my fingers in the car door.

29. Get a penis tattoo on my forehead.

30. Eat a bowl of sand.

31. Chew a piece of gum I found on the bottom of a desk.

32. Stub my toe 56 times in a row.

33. Drop out of school one week before graduation.

34. Shave my lady bits with a rusty axe. 

35. Buy a $1500 purse and find out it’s fake three days later.

36. Accidentally get hit by a bus.

37. Paint my whole house neon yellow.

38. Jump in a puddle with brand new white shoes on.

39. Walk barefoot across a living room full of Legos.

40. Trip on my own feet and fall down the stairs.

41. Put roofies in my own drink.

42. Accept a piece of candy from a strange man in a van.

43. Walk into a burning building to make sure I save all my paper clips.

44. Give myself a paper cut on every finger.

45. Accidentally stab myself with a safety pin 39 times.

46. Write a 30 page paper, then crash my computer. Without saving first.

47. Let Edward Scissorhands pop my pimple.

48. Kiss a poisonous snake.

49. Hang out with Ted Bundy.

50. Pour a bowl of cereal, then realize there’s no milk.

51. Fight Rocky Balboa.

52. Sneeze immediately after putting on mascara, every single day.

53. Have dinner with Satan.

54. Move in with Peewee Herman. 

55. Walk directly into a swarm of bees. 

56. Climb the highest tree during every thunderstorm. While holding an umbrella.

57. Take a bath with leeches.

58. Take ‘shrooms before going to court.

59. Let a blind man pluck my eyebrows.

60. Pepper spray myself.

Soooo, yeah. Basically, go fuck yourself.

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