I see every ounce of effort you are pouring into your day. You are doing it. You may not hear it as much, but you are doing great.
I know some days your Postpartum Depression has you feel so heavy that you don't even want to pull yourself out of bed, and it’s ok to not be able to. I see you, you drag yourself out of bed even though all you want is to sink into your bed forever and never be found.
You may not brush your hair today, or tomorrow, or for a few days. You may wear the same shirt that you wore yesterday. I see you get up and struggle to push through the day because you are mentally exhausted. I know you are probably fighting through the day and it’s hard. All day you feel so helpless, so worthless. Your Postpartum Depression tells you, "I am a horrible mom," "I can't do anything right," "my kids are so much better without me," "Why can't I just be normal?" "why can't I just do the things I'm supposed to do?"
There are a million thoughts running through your head. Taking a shower is a chore, eating is a chore, making a bottle is a chore. You may not even remember the last time you took a shower or spent some time alone without your babies. Or maybe you locked yourself in the shower because you needed a good cry and for some reason having your head underwater is the only way you can actually breathe because when you get out is when you feel like you’re drowning. I know you feel like these waves will never stop.
I know you hate that you can have a few days, maybe weeks, maybe months where you feel normal and then the waves of Postpartum Depression crash over you again. The unreasonable frustration creeps back in. The feeling of being irritable for no reason floods you. You want to crawl back into your covers and sink back into your bed where no one can find you. I know you may look at your babies and wonder why you never got "that feeling." This rush of overloading emotions that almost every mom talks about.
You know you love your babies, beyond anything you have ever loved in your life. You know that you would do anything for them and you would never know what to do without them, but why didn't you feel the "feeling."
Despite everything. The long nights lying awake with so many thoughts running through your head, the moments of locking yourself away to cry, the dragging yourself through the day, the endless negative thoughts running through your head, the numb feeling you feel sometimes, despite everything that your Postpartum Depression has put you through… you know that when you look at your babies dancing, singing, playing, laughing, smiling; you smile. Even if it’s only for a second you feel so inexplicably happy. You feel like the world is lifted off your shoulders for a minute and you can breathe.
You are a great mother. You are doing everything you can for your babies, and I promise it’s more than enough. Your babies love you, and they do need you. You may be struggling right now, but they do not see you any different. And your babies, they are the moon and the stars. They see you making them yummy food and playing silly games with them. They see you singing and being goofy. They see you give them baths and tuck them into bed. They see all the hugs and kisses. All the messy faces wiped off and all of the diapers changed. They see everything that you probably don't.
Don't be so hard on yourself momma. You are TRYING and that’s good enough for them. You are not alone, even though it may feel like that. Keep doing what you're doing, keep taking it one day at a time. Keep loving your babies and always remember that they love you more than anything.
No matter if you're going through your Postpartum Depression privately or if your family is supporting you, know you are not alone in this battle.
Take a breath and keep going, you got this.
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