It’s extremely hard to explain how one is capable of giving up something so special. I know there’s not much I can say that will clearly paint the picture or translate the feeling and emotions that I felt in that moment of my life when it was you and I in that room alone against the world. My world was chaos but you were perfect and I was very scared to tarnish your perfection in any way. You were perfect from the moment I found out that you were growing inside me, it never crossed my mind to get an abortion but I knew the love that I already had for you would not be enough to protect you from the world when the time came to welcome you into the world.
From the bottom of my heart I hope that my decision changed your life for the better. Letting you go was quite possibly the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life, but it was done so you could have a brighter future, the one that you deserve. You see, I gave you up not because I didn’t love you, but because I love you so much I couldn’t bare allowing my life circumstances at the time to ruin yours. Because it wasn’t your fault I was young and unprepared to care for you. It wasn’t your fault I didn’t have the means to properly protect you and care for you.
You were the most amazing gift to me and to the world and I had to make sure your life was provided with everything it needed to shine. I didn’t have a home of my own or any kind of help, not even a penny to my name but I had love and that infinite amount of love for you is what pushed me to fight for your future. And so I did, I prayed and searched for the best alternative and when I’ve exhausted every possible scenario that would allow me to keep you by my side, it was with a knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes that I came to the realization that the best future for you would have to be with a good family to love you, care for you and raise you as their own. And not with me.
It breaks my heart to pieces to think that your heart could hold an ounce of resentment towards me and that maybe a deep sense of abandonment whispers in your ear whenever you think of me. No other love compares to my love for you and I hope one day you realize that. But I can’t blame you for the confusion you must feel when the word ‘mother’ makes you feel unwanted. You were always wanted because you are perfect and it was me who lacked so much to fulfill my role as mother to a perfect child.
You see, I can still remember what I was wearing the day I signed up the papers to give you up. I remember the color of the pen I used and I even remember that it was raining really hard outside. It was as if my tears were not enough and the whole world was crying with me. The day you were born I held you in my arms and for every second I felt your warmth against my body, I loved you with all I had. I traced your tiny face with my fingers, I looked at your beautiful eyes and I promised you love and happiness. I promised you a beautiful life.
In that moment alone with you, I hoped to somehow make your heart remember me forever. Because you’ve always been present in my heart, every second of every day I think about your eyes and hope that wherever you are, you’re smiling.
I hope to one day have the chance to tell you face to face how hard it was to live my life without you. I wish I can one day show you how much I truly love. And I want with all my heart to see one day that my greatest sacrifice allowed you live the beautiful life that you always deserved.