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To My Grandma, I'm Not Ready for a World Without You

I don’t think it’s possible to fully prepare yourself to say goodbye to someone you love with your entire being. I say this because even though I know the day is getting closer to say goodbye to you, grandma, I know there’s nothing I can do to avoid the pain that will consume my world when I’m no longer able to see you or hold your hand. And I’m afraid that the pain will continue to live in me forever.

I can already feel the knot in my stomach as I struggle to express my thoughts to you, the woman who’s had such an important place in my heart ever since I can remember. You practically raised me, you’ve had a monumental positive effect in my life and I can’t fathom living my life without you by my side.

You haven’t been doing well for quite some time, so I can’t help to think that every moment we spend together could be our last. The times spent are bittersweet, but I do my best to be present and to savour every second, so we can continue creating happy memories together just like we always have. The sound of your voice, your laughter, your touch. All those things that are so you, so unique and full of life have been a constant in my life and I’m grateful every day for growing up with such a strong and beautiful role model.

I know you so well, but somehow, you seem to know me even better. I can tell when you’re happy, sad or concern. You don’t even have to say a word to me and I already know in what kind of mood you are in. That’s what I love so much about our relationship. We know each other well, we can even sense what’s going on in our hearts from far away. Or at least we like to think we do. Right, grandma?

I try to bring you happiness and do my best to keep you distracted from your physical pain, because every moment with you is sacred. You always make me laugh and fill my heart with so much love and wisdom. Your love for life is contagious and I think the world is unfair for making you go away so soon. I still feel that there’s so much more for you to do and for me to continue sharing with you.

I want to keep showing you how much I’ve learned from you. I want you to have the chance to see that your influence has inspired me to strive for better and that I’m working towards all those things you told me I could achieve. Because no one has believed in me like you have and you deserve to see how much your love has shaped me and continues to inspire me.

You tell me that I shouldn’t be sad or scared when you go away, but how can I not be, grandma? It scares me to even hear you speak of death with such normality and even acceptance. You’ve always been strong, but I can’t bring myself to be as strong as you are. I want to be supportive but I struggle with what’s to come.

A world without you is not a place I want to prepare for and I’m consumed with grief just thinking that whether I like it or not, I have to be ready and I have to be strong for when that day comes.

Here’s the thing, grandma, I’m not even half the person that you are, and it terrifies me to disappoint you and I’m afraid that I will. You’ve always been my rock, my biggest fan and most loyal supporter. I know it’s extremely selfish to not want to accept that one day soon you won’t be with us, but I can’t help myself.

I love you grandma, and I can’t promise that I won’t be sad but I can promise you that I you will always live in my heart and that I will continue living my life in your honor. Because it doesn’t matter where you go, I always make sure I’m making you proud.