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To my *almost* family in law

Dear almost family,

I hope you know there are very few days I don’t think of some part of you. It’s crazy how time flew by with you but without you it seems to just drag on. I’m sorry about the time after it happened I saw something he did or said and got mad and unfriended you all. I needed space and thought it would help. It didn’t and then I felt bad because you did nothing wrong. I’m sorry, and I miss you all.

 

To the cousins who said I was already a part of the family but they still couldn’t wait for it to be official soon,

Sometimes I felt like an odd one out for not liking Star Wars or the Lord of the Rings but you didn’t like them either and somehow that made me feel more accepted and closer to you. I miss the random game nights which were always more fun than I anticipated. The New Year’s Eve gatherings filled with laughter and misheard lyrics of that year. Food truck Friday’s, no matter how hot it was outside, I had my first Greek gyro that summer. I hope the baby that I so wanted to meet is doing well, he’s beautiful. Thank you for checking up on me after things went south. You have no idea how much it meant to me, how much it still means to me.

To my almost siblings who already taught me so much,

I’ve never had siblings before. I always wondered what it would be like to have a sister to do things with, girly or not. I never imagined having brothers but was so excited to almost have more than one. I was finally getting used to the idea of having siblings. Would we fight like “normal” siblings like a scene of a t.v. show? Tease each other but know we were always a call away if the other needed something? I’ll never know but sometimes my dreams take me back to the places of what if it had worked. I was so looking forward to having a niece or nephew that I didn’t have to explain “well not mine by blood or marriage because I don’t have siblings but I consider them mine because she’s a friend who’s more like family” but a niece/nephew I could just introduce as my niece/nephew. She will be beautiful I’m sure and you will be great parents. My other almost brother, the two of you didn’t always see eye to eye but there was one night I was waiting for him to get home and you were there and we sat outside and just talked. It must have been at least a half hour of us just talking about life. I looked forward to the possibility of talking like that again. Not making small talk just normal talking. Thank you for not killing me that one time in paintball, even though I definitely didn’t know you were behind me. I hope you are doing well and your job and love interest continues to be everything you hoped for and more.

To my almost grandma who always greeted and parted with a warm hug,

I didn’t realize how much you impacted my life until you were no longer in it. Your voice creeps into my mind sometimes when I feel like I’m losing hope and says “well you tried your best.” Every time I get in the car and my thoughts are racing and I can’t get out of my own head long enough to get home you’re there again. “Be safe, there’s precious cargo in there.” I hope you know how much I needed to have your voice in my head on these rides now alone. I don’t always feel like “precious cargo” but somehow you said it enough for it to stick and make me think maybe just maybe it could be true.

To my almost mom who I was finally getting ready to call mom,

I miss you most of all. Thank you for always welcoming me with open arms. For giving a tight hug when I was having a rough day, or week, or month. For encouraging me to keep chasing my dreams and to keep making those dreams bigger. For all the homemade gifts and jewelry. For some of the best homemade meals I’ve ever had and for teaching me how to make them. For helping me get and job and bringing home extra recipes from the classes I couldn’t be at. For letting me stay on the couch when things were rough and sharing your home with me as though it was always mine as well. I had so many plans for us. Paint nights, cooking classes, hiking and Disney movies. I cried when I saw a picture of a bride to be with her future mother in law at a paint night because that was supposed to be us. It was supposed to be me and my mom and my mom by marriage. I miss hearing you sing from the kitchen and comparing what we’re getting the rest of the family for Christmas. You once told me not to believe everything he says about you because sometimes he may make you seem awful. I don’t know what he’s said about me but I hope I can ask you for the same benefit of the doubt. You know who I really was.

 

I hope each of you see this and know it’s from the heart. Although I know what happened needed to happen & it wouldn’t have worked out, I am not only dealing with losing that and what I thought was my future but am also grieving the loss of my almost family.

 

I miss and love you all.

You will always have a special place in my heart,

The ex-fiancé that was almost your something-in-law.