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To My Alcoholic Dad, Enough is Enough

Do you know what really hurts, dad? It hurts to go down memory lane and have to make a monumental effort to find a single memory of you where you are sober. What’s even worse is that I don’t even think you remember all the bad things you did and put us through while you were drunk; the screaming, the angry outbursts, the crying, and cursing. If you do, you have never shown remorse or apologized for all your transgressions. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells around you, and you know what? It slowly broke me down. No child should have to carry the pain of seeing their father drown in addiction. But I did.

Now as an adult, I still carry the emotional scars that your drinking inflicted on me, but you’re still my dad, and I’m still your daughter. I still love you, dad but your alcoholism is finally tearing us apart.

I do my best to care for you regardless of the many years you’ve allowed this illness to take over your life, and well, sadly mine too. You see, it’s not easy to be your daughter, it’s not easy to watch someone you love deteriorate slowly. I think it’s true what they say about alcoholics, they have to want to be able to change in order to be truly cured. But I don’t think that’s the case with you. You don’t want to change, you’ve embraced a destructive lifestyle for way too long to know any different. 

I’ve tried to get you help, I’ve tried it all but you refused every single one of my attempts to get you to conquer this awful demon that is alcohol. I’m afraid your body will not be able to take the amount of drinking that you do anymore and it breaks my heart to pieces to think that I should prepare myself for the worse. I don’t want to see you go when you still have so much to live for, dad. Not like this. Why can’t you choose to be there for me like a father should? I’ve been so hopeful for so long but my soul is tired of waiting for you to be the father I deserve and that I long for. 

It saddens me to think that I’m not enough motivation for you to be better. It may sound crazy, but sometimes I think that perhaps it’s partly my fault that you chose alcohol over your family. I feel that maybe I’m not such a good daughter after all and that if I truly made you proud, you would be willing to live a healthier lifestyle. Is it my fault dad? Am I part of the pain that lives in your heart that makes you numb yourself so you don’t have to present? 

I’ve spent most of my life caring for you and trying to find the missing piece in every failed attempt to get you better. But I’ve failed and in trying to win a losing battle, I feel that I’ve lost part of myself too. I can’t continue putting my well-being in jeopardy just because I can’t find it in my heart to give up on you, but it’s coming to that, dad. For the first time in my life, I feel that enough is enough and it’s time for me to put myself first. I love you, but I truly believe nothing in this world can change you but yourself, and I think you’ve had clearly chosen alcohol to be your only reason to live.

I’ve always wanted us to have a close relationship. I always dreamed of being daddy’s little girl, but your alcohol addiction took all of that away from me. I know that deep down, you’re the father I always dreamed of, but that’s no longer enough for me to keep fighting for you and your love. I love you dad, but it’s time to start living my life as a fatherless daughter. For now on, I’ll try my best to find some normality in my life where alcohol has no part in it, so I can find some peace and forgiveness in my heart to finally let you go. 

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