This Is Why My Depression Can No Longer Be Concealed

My depression has made me feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and I need to take some time to focus on myself.

As much as I joke about my two naps a day during the weekends and my 8:00 bedtime during the week, I’ve realized that maybe I should stop laughing about it, and try to fix it.

I have been masking my depression for years with a bunch of alcohol and a string of men. But I still wake up lonely and hungover, feeling worse than I did before.

I have been masking my depression by keeping myself busy. I put everything I have into my work, and then keep my schedule so full that I don’t come home until it’s time for bed.

But I still come home to a house that I’m embarrassed to show anyone the inside of….too exhausted to do anything about it.

I have been masking my depression by helping others. It occurred to me that maybe I don’t really find joy in helping those around me, it’s just my way to look like I have my shit together.

When really I don’t know how to help myself.

So, I decided It's time to get help and go away from everybody for a while so I can focus on healing. Treat myself, as I would if a friend had come to me and told me she was depressed.

I would:

Take her out to exercise.

Make sure she is drinking enough water.

Reach out just to check on her.

Help her clean her house.

Cook her dinner.

I would be there for her, and now I need to be there for myself.

I don’t want anyone to think I’m angry or my feelings are hurt. I don’t want anyone to think that me falling back is a way to get attention (fuck you, if you think that, by the way). I just need to rebuild my life, and I want to do that with as little distraction as possible.

It has taken me a long time to realize that drinking with friends and hanging out with men that I don’t even respect isn’t helping me. Maybe in the moment, but not in the long run. I can’t have that life anymore, because my dark days are coming more often and with a lot more darkness.

I can’t keep running.

Hopefully, in time, I will become the person I want to be. Hopefully, I can come back better and happier. A brand new me. And, hopefully, then we can still be friends.