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This Is Why I Regret Hiding My Abortion From You, Mom

Mom, you and I have always had the best relationship any mom and daughter could have. You’ve been my most loyal supporter throughout my whole life and there’s no one in this world I love and trust more than you. But you have to understand that when I found out that I was pregnant, I had mixed feelings about telling you about it. 

At first, I felt that as an adult, I had to take full responsibility for my actions and handle it on my own. But what truly overwhelmed me was the shame for allowing this to happen in the first place, I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me. And I still don’t want you to be disappointed in me, especially for deciding to have an abortion. 

I’m not sure how you’ll feel about me having an abortion, but what I do know for sure is that you won’t be happy about me going through it all on my own. In spite of your thoughts about abortion, I know you’re going to ask me a millions times “Why didn’t you tell me? You know I would have been there for you.” Just know the minute I walked into the clinic I felt so scared and lonely, I immediately was filled with regret for not telling you about it. But even more so when the girl sitting next to me in the waiting area was being comforted by her mother. I understood that it was foolish of me to keep this hidden from you. In that moment, I felt jealous of that girl, her mom was so reassuring and loving. I could tell their relationship was as strong and loving as ours. I wanted you to be there for me, hold my hand, and let me know the that everything was going to be okay. I couldn’t even hold the tears back, it was too late… these were the consequences to my actions and all I could do was sit in that cold waiting room, alone, crying in silence. 

It all happened in slow motion, mom. I wanted it to be over soon, but every minute felt endless. After what felt like an eternity, it was done and I felt empty and cold. I didn’t want to worry you, mom, and I really thought that I had to be strong, responsible and take care of this on my own but now I feel that your unconditional support and love is what I really needed that day. I didn’t want to be a burden to you but as your daughter I should never feel that way no matter what happens to me. 

Throughout this whole ordeal I never stopped thinking about you. You taught me to be strong, independent, responsible and kind. I tried my best to live up to those values that you instilled in me and in that moment I didn’t think I was. But I promise you, everything I did I truly believed was the best choice for me considering my circumstances. I carried this on to the best of my ability. 

I’m deeply sorry I didn’t have the courage to speak to you then. I hope you can understand my motives and not judge me for my decisions. I don’t want this event in my life to tarnish our relationship, so I’m hoping that this gives us an opportunity to have a heart to heart like we always have. I hope nothing changes between us and that you can forgive me for not telling you in time. I hope you can give me a chance to tell you all about that day and that you can support me and be there for me like I wish you were the whole time. 

I hope you know that after all this, I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I learned to never let fear get the best of me in any situation and that sometimes, you need to put your pride aside and ask for help. But I promise that from now on, no matter what happens in my life, you, mom, will always be the first one to know. I’m the luckiest daughter to have you as a mom and I will never, ever forget that. 

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