This Is the Painful Truth of Losing Yourself Completely in a Toxic Love

I miss the happy upbeat life I had before you stumbled your way into my life. I lost some of the best people I had in my life. Not because you made me get rid of them, but because I was manipulated into thinking things would be better if you were the only person I devoted any of my time into. 

My friends still to this day do not understand why I up and abandoned them, and I still have no answer for them. It hurts me to admit I left them for you after all the things you said and did to me. Even though you're long gone, none of them came back or forgave me. So now I sit here by myself reflecting back on the hell that you put me through. 

I don’t miss you much anymore; I’ve moved on from that. I’m just working on forgiving myself for being with someone who was so destructive. I’ve spent more time hating myself remembering how you belittled me for more than I care to admit. All the thoughts flood my mind at once when they come around and it starts to make sense why no one ever stuck around long. 

Why were you always yelling at me and putting me down? I was never really anything special, at least I felt that way. I was just someone desperate to feel loved by someone even if they didn’t really love me. Just the allusion of feeling something more than lonely made me feel better. And that’s where I went wrong. I dug myself a hole that I couldn’t get myself out of but the worst part about it? You helped make that hole deeper so I wouldn’t leave. 

Every time I was ready to leave with tears rolling down my face, you decided to "love me". It took me tearing myself to shreds for you to want to realize I was at my wits ends with not you, but myself. You helped build me back up when I needed it most, just to shoot me back down when I finally got to a stable point again. Almost like it brought you some sort of satisfaction making me believe it was possible for someone to love me when I hated myself knowing damn well you were going to make me more miserable. 

But I realized I had been lying to myself. Every time someone asked me why I stayed with you after you kept hurting me, I told them I was hoping things would go back to how they were when we first met. I kept telling myself you’d change. That maybe you were always angry because I was just a dumb girl who couldn’t do anything right and didn’t deserve anything. So I tried to become a better person, but no matter how hard I tried you still found some way to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. 

You still call just to argue after I apologized countless times for something that didn’t happen. You lectured me for hours about how terrible of a person I was, accused me of cheating on you when I didn’t even have time to sleep just to have you turn around and cheat on me and belittle me for the things you know I didn’t like about myself. I grew to hate myself for everything I used to love myself for, and more than you ever could. 

It’s now that I realize I was never waiting for you to change; I was just afraid to leave you. Afraid I’d never find someone to love me for the mess you made me believe I was and afraid you’d hurt me more if you ever found me after I found the courage to leave you.  

But I finally did, I walked away without looking back. I still to this day wonder how you could want to hurt someone who looked at you with so much happiness after you completely destroyed them mentally and physically. It’s a question I’m okay with never having an answer to. 

It’s been a while since I left you and I’m still struggling with a lot, but I’m a lot better than I was. Some days are a lot easier than others, and some days I go through hell and back trying not to bring myself down. 

Finding the strength to leave you was the best thing I've ever done. I'm now with a man who makes me the happiest I've ever been and who puts you to shame. He's more than I could've asked for and I'm blessed to have someone as good as him in my life.

If anyone has even been torn down by an abusive relationship, keep your head up and never forget to love yourself. It takes a while before you find yourself again but once you hit rock bottom the only way is up. You'll find someone who appreciates and loves every little thing about you, just be patient and don't settle for less.