The moment I saw the pregnancy test turn positive, the words I’m pregnant fell over my senses like a heavy brick. I couldn’t register the news fast enough, and my mind and body immediately turned numb. I was silent for what felt like endless minutes, just staring at the empty wall, still holding the pregnancy test in my cold sweaty hand. I swear, it felt as if in that moment my whole existence was reduced to two lines on a pregnancy stick.
What now? I repeated in my head close to a million times but I didn’t get an answer. The part of me that was slightly conscious failed to come up with any type of rational come back. I just felt empty. I didn’t want to tell anybody without knowing how I really felt about it, but I just couldn’t feel anything at that moment, at least, not anything I could identify as a real emotion. I was clearly in shock.
How could this happen to me? My circumstances at the time were definitely not favorable for these type of news. I was still too young, I was not in a stable relationship, my financial situation was terrible and the relationship with my family was not in the bests of terms. I knew that having a baby was out of the question for the father, so I already knew I wasn’t going to get his support. I was clearly alone and it was now me and a baby growing inside me against the world.
I grew up in a semi religious family and even though abortion was not believed to cause eternal damnation, it was definitely frown upon. To be honest, I didn’t even know how I really felt about it. I never judged those who went through with it but I did feel sad for them having to go through that experience. It just never crossed my mind that I would ever be in their situation and there I was. I know it may sound naive, but I always felt that having kids was something I’d would give some serious thought once I found “the one”.
As that wasn’t clearly the case, I had to pull myself together and evaluate my options. But I felt so much shame and the anxiety I was feeling was consuming. I felt lost and lonely. I have to say, having an abortion was not the first option that came to mind, it was the last thing I considered and now looking back, I truly believe it was a fear-based decision.
The thoughts about raising a child in my situation completely terrified me. I couldn’t sleep, eat or think clearly. I was paralyzed and all I could think was that bringing a child into this would be an irresponsible act on my part. I convinced myself of how stupid I was to even think I could go through with it. So at my lowest moment, I decided that an abortion would be my best option. It seemed rational at the time. But the truth is, it was irrational, I just couldn’t handle the sense of shame. I didn’t feel good enough to be a mother and I didn’t have the proper tools to make me think otherwise.
I went to get the abortion alone. I cried all night so when morning came I was too exhausted to continue thinking about my terrible decision. It’s a faint memory, but I recall that the emotional part of me was screaming inside don’t do it but fear had already taken over and it felt as if my whole body was on autopilot. I could not hear, feel or think. I walked into that cold empty room so tired and so afraid and I just simply gave up without thinking that I was giving up more than I could ever imagine.
I gave up part of me, a beautiful gift. I gave up life in its purest form. I was right, and I should have listened to that voice screaming at me from inside. What I did was wrong and I should have been stronger. I walked into that room afraid and I walked out with the biggest sense of regret I ever felt in my life. I walked out feeling ten times worse than anything I felt in the days prior. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for going through with it.
I’m emotionally scarred from that experience. I lived through it but the pain remains and not a day goes by that I don’t think about where my child would be today if I had truly made the right choice. I should have given my child a chance to live.
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