I know that we all have certain ideas in our head about what it means to fall in love. We the kind of love that we pictured since we were kids, that we thought about and then over thought about. But the thing is, when we met the right person, or at least the one we think is the right one, we don’t really have a choice.
We’re in it no matter what our head tells us, no matter how unrealistic or silly it might seem to everyone else. We are just so sure.
And that’s who you were to me.
You knew just what to say to make me believe you. You knew just what I wanted to hear, all the things that I was scared of you, you made me forget all of that. Because of you, I finally opened up. I finally let all my walls come falling down. It wasn’t for myself. It was for you. Because I thought, just this once, that I got it right. That I wasn’t making it all up.
You had my heart. And for a really long time, I thought that it was safe with you.
It didn’t end all at once. It was a slow let down. I kept holding on. For whatever reason made the most sense at the time. I was sure that if I just stuck it out, you could see that I was the one for you. That my heart and your heart were the same.
I was so, so, wrong.
It didn’t take too long to understand that I meant very little to you. That I was just your stand in, someone to keep a place warm for whoever or whatever was coming next.
I was a warm body to sleep next too, someone to tell all your problems too. Someone who would be there when you needed them and then disappear when it no longer benefited you. I want you to know how awful that makes someone feel. How awful it made me feel. I didn’t lose myself in loving you, in wanting you, as much as I lost the ability to think that I was good enough for anyone else.
You drained me. You made promises that you had no intention of keeping. You made me smile, true, but you made me cry more. You made me feel so little, I thought that I couldn’t feel whole unless you were right beside me.
The truth is, I never really stood a chance. You never wanted to get close to my heart or my mind. You never wanted me to stay. You never wanted me to get attached. I could blame myself for falling too hard and too fast, but I’ve come to learn that most of the blame lies with you.
For giving me less than what I deserve. For not thanking me for being there when I didn’t have too, the times when you really needed me. But mostly, I blame you for making me think that somehow, someway, I would be good enough. I would be what you wanted.
You were always looking in the other direction, one foot out the door. You didn’t even half love me. I don’t think you have any idea the toll that you breaking me too.
But now, I want you to know one very important thing. You were it for me. You were the last person that I give myself too without getting anything in return. You are the last mistake that I make. Because whether you believe it or not, I could have loved you. And we could have been great.
But it’s a two way street. And now, thanks to you, I’m free to walk the other way.
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