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Sometimes the Scariest Decision Are the Best for You, Especially When it Comes to Love

I was so adapted to changing my behavior to fit his that I never even realized walking away was an option. I hadn’t realized I was in ‘fight mode’ all this time. 

I think my body got so used to being on edge so often that it became normal. I walked around on eggshells every day, just waiting for him to get mad at me because there was always something. 

Even when I tried with everything in me to be sweet and perfect and not annoy him… I always seemed to. 

It took me so long to realize that living in this state of mind was killing me.

By the end of this toxic relationship, I had emotionally given up. I stopped sticking around when he’d verbally tear me apart, I wouldn’t smile and look down when he spoke to me, I just didn’t have it in me. 

I was going to take whatever fate life had for me and I wasn’t going to fight anymore. I prepared myself to walk away, to give in to the ‘flight mode.’

But once I had completely given up, something weird happened. I got sick. I was told I had high blood pressure, anxiety, borderline depression, and almost diabetic. 

But I felt fine? It’s crazy how stress can really tear your body and mind to shreds.

I was so traumatized by my manipulative, narcissistic ex that my heart was constantly beating at a fast pace, practically out of my chest. 

So when I did finally give up, my heart felt relaxed and light, which literally shocked my body. 

I wanted so badly for walking away to be the answer, when in turn it made me more depressed. I should’ve just listened to my body in the first place as it was screaming at me this is wrong.  

But the thing is, I fought this hard to get to where I am now that I would never give up on myself. So I ran, tears down my face, heart racing, life in tow. I convinced myself that everything else I had left behind is replaceable. 

All the years I lived in fight mode, holding myself back from flight because ‘he loved me and it will get better if I just didn’t make him angry.’

But now I’m at peace. I’m free from his toxic grip and I’m finally living my life for me and nobody else. 

And it was at that moment I realized, sometimes the scariest decisions, are the best for you.

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