Sadly, I Can't Fix How My Complicated Mind Destroyed Our Love

I know I’ve apologized to you a billion times for the way we ended, to the point where the words “I’m sorry” mean nothing to you anymore. I wish there were letters I could string together that would fix all the pain I’ve caused you, maybe there are and I just haven’t found them yet. But in the meantime, I’m going to continue apologizing for my mistake because I’ve truly changed and I see how badly I messed this up. 

I'm sorry that when I met you, I assumed you were meant to be the one whose love would bring the broken pieces of my heart back together. I made it your responsibility to fix me in a time when I should have been fixing myself. I put the weight on your shoulders because I couldn’t handle it and you didn’t deserve that. 

I didn't think things through… I just wasn't capable of. I just wanted to be okay again so I invested everything I had in you. I didn’t want to admit we weren’t ready or that we weren’t connected on a deeper level than anyone else. I just wanted to feel the comfort of being loved again. 

I’m so sorry I rushed us. I’m sorry that we could’ve been something so beautiful if I let it happen naturally. I would’ve loved to take it slow and been your best friend first then more and maybe if we did then we wouldn’t have to end what we had.  

Our relationship craved that bond as a foundation to withstand every wave that crashed on us. We so desperately needed it because once things got rocky, there was nothing there to keep us steady. I devoted everything to you: my time, my love, my trust all too soon. 

My fears became so overwhelming that I allowed them to break us apart because I was scared. I wish I could’ve just enjoyed every minute of being your girlfriend, but it was physically impossible for me. Instead, I was constantly thinking of worst case scenarios in my head that only lead to fights and arguments. 

I allowed myself to become paranoid that you were just using me and constantly compared you to my ex’s. I was terrified of growing up only to have my very own version of a broken family that I couldn’t focus on the little things that could make me happy in the present.

And then, just like I always do, I started to push you away. I knew what I was doing and I couldn’t stop. You’d tell me I didn't fight for you and I kept insisting I did, but you were right all along. I didn't fight for you as much as I should have and now it’s too late.

Now you’re gone and I have nothing left for myself. I don't know how to get back up because I let my world revolved around you. You were my everything and it all disappeared when you left me. if I can only go back in time, I would do it all over again but do right by you. I would never leave you because deep down I didn't want to lose you.  

Just know that I will never stop loving you because you made me happy in ways no one else ever could. You fought for me until the very end and tried with everything in your power to make me stay and be with you, and I'm really sorry I didn't. No one has ever loved me or showed me how to truly fight for someone you love until I met you. 

I know I can't change things, I know the damaged has been done, but if ever our paths cross again know I’ve realized everything I did wrong. I might be a work in progress but I’m getting there so that maybe one day you’ll find it in yourself to open your heart to me. And if that day ever comes, I won’t mess it up. I promise.  

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