Open Letter to the Best Friend I Grew Away From

For the longest time, our worlds were combined. If you cried, I held you and fought tears. If you were laughing, I was hopefully the reason. Every time I had to do something social, I always wanted to bring you with me. If we liked parties more, you would’ve been my wing-woman. We planned a future together. I loved you more than any boyfriend I had during our friendship. We were so close that most of the time we seemed more like a couple than us and or significant others. Maybe that’s why we both had such a hard time staying with somebody during our friendship. We were so close there wasn’t room for anyone else.

Our friendship gave me a little more confidence, but not much. You tried to make me see the good in myself, and maybe if I had done so earlier our friendship would’ve survived. Perhaps if I wasn’t so high-strung everything wouldn’t have cut me so deeply. I’m not going to talk about the things that happened that made our friendship more strained, because I don’t really feel like that’s what caused our downfall. It’s just easier to accept that we were torn apart by fights. I think it began to happen sooner than all of that. There was something else that was underneath the surface causing all the fights and the insecurity that was really the cause of the fight, something we were having a hard time accepting: We were growing apart.

Some of the reasons we were growing apart were my fault, and I accept it. I fell in love with a boy that used to be yours. I still feel guilty over that despite the fact we always said it was okay for us to date each other’s exes. It had happened plenty of times, and it was never a big deal between us. Typically it was because we knew it wouldn’t last, why worry about a fling? This boy was different though, and you knew that. I wish it all would’ve happened differently, but one can’t control their heart. I wish he wouldn’t have taken up so much of my heart so quickly. I will still marry him, and I still love him. I just regret that you felt so pushed aside, and I regret not taking the time with you that I should have. I don’t regret falling in love with him, I regret falling out of love with you. I regret that our lives were altered and I didn’t take the time to truly talk to you about it. I brushed it off. Despite all of this, you still supported me being with him. Sometimes you made bitter comments, but I know it was because you were scared to lose me. I was scared of losing you too.

Reality also caused us to grow apart. We dreamed of things that weren’t realistic. Our future plans consisted of buying a house and living with our husbands and opening a business even though neither of us knew anything about opening a business. I was approaching my senior year. I needed to really consider my future and what I wanted to do. When I talked to you about it, you always got upset. I understood why. Our future was changing. You saw the rift long before I did. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before it was too late to fix it. Somewhere along the line we either became different people, or perhaps we began to see things that we used to ignore in each other. Either way, something was different. We both blame different things, but in the end the difference was within us.

All of this caused us to grow apart, but it’s not really what I want to say to you right now. This is what I want to say: I still love you. You were my best friend for a long time, and I wish that things were different and you were still my best friend. We both made mistakes, and I apologize for mine. You were there when nobody else was, and for that I thank you. I miss you everyday. I have new friends that I’m close to. I even have a best friend that isn’t you. She’s very different than you, and I think that reflects the changes in me. She doesn’t talk bad about you, and she respects that you will always hold a special place in my heart. She isn’t jealous.

Most of all, I want you to know that you will always be able to count on me. We aren’t close anymore, but if you ever need anything I’m still there for you. Maybe in the future we’ll be able to reconnect, but for now I just want you to know that I love you and that I thank you for all the times you were there for me.