in

My Heart's Torn Between Loving Him and Not Wanting to Have Kids

Our relationship has been amazing from the beginning and I can truly say that I can’t imagine my life without. I love you so damn much, but now that our relationship has gotten more serious and committed, it’s important for me to really be upfront about my thoughts on having kids. The truth is, I don’t want them. It’s never been my dream, goal or priority to become a mom and it terrifies me that this might be a deal breaker for you. I guess, I put this conversation off for the longest time, because I didn’t want to burst our happy bubble. But I also feel that it’s unfair for me to continue on this way without being completely transparent about the subject.

I really don’t know where you stand on the subject, we’ve never talked about it  and I don’t recall you ever mentioning or talking about being a parent. I guess we’ve both been caught up in our own world and that’s been great but I think it’s time to put it all on the table and see where it takes us.

The most conflicting thought for me about this, it’s the fact that I love you to pieces and the fear of losing you over this it’s too overwhelming. But on that same token, I know that the fear won’t make me change my mind so here I am. Whatever happens, I need you to know my truth. I strongly believe that being a parent is not in the cards for me. When I think about the things that make me or could make me happy, children are not on the list. I really can think of a ton of things I would rather do, have or be than parenting.

I know it may sound awful but I honestly, I feel that in order to be a mom you need to want it that much. You need to feel it deep in your heart and desire it with your whole being. There’s gotta be something in you that calls you to it. I’m not sure why that has never been the case for me, but that’s the honest truth.

For a long time I felt that it was just a phase, that I’d eventually develop my mother instincts and motherhood would knock at my door and I’d receive it with open arms. I’m not waiting for that to happen anymore.

I’ve come to the realization that it’s completely okay to feel this way. I promise you that I gave it enough thought and that my decision is final. With that being said, I need you to know that my love for you is greater than my fear to lose you. Even though I wish for you to be on the same page with me about this, I don’t expect you to be. I understand that being a dad might be something you aspire to be and I will not take that away from you.

I’m sorry for not bringing this up before, but you know me well and I hope you understand my struggle to do so. I didn’t plan to throw this at you like this but honestly, after thinking about it for a while, there’s really no easier way to talk about this.

I dream a life with you, where you and I can grow old together and I hope from the bottom of my heart that we can walk the same path together forever. I will support whatever decision you make after you process these words. No matter what happens, I hope you know that my love for you is infinite and pure, so much I’d be willing to let you go, just so you can be all you want to be.