The truth is, I still I miss him. I miss him when something exciting happens, and he’s the first person I want to tell. When I want to show him what an impact he had on my life. I miss his mind and his energy, our commonalities and life coincidences. I miss him when I close my eyes, and he uncontrollably shows up in my dreams. Reminding me of how I feel when I’m around him and our small conversations every now and again.
Honestly, I thought that once I grew to love myself wholeheartedly and be comfortable being by myself and on my own, I would no longer miss him the way I do. But that was not the case. It was not what life and my heart had planned.
No matter what changed, one thing remained the same – him. If anything, it made everything stronger. Because while he was out there learning to be on his own, I was unknowingly doing the same. And I did. I found myself and so much more.
Missing him does not mean I want him back, it just means that I loved him with my whole heart. It’s not a reflection on not valuing myself and my time and who deserves to be in my life, is nothing short of a lie.
I’ve accepted every bruise and bump and scar that covers my heart. I’ve learned that everything I’ve been through is not a reflection of the confident, kind energy that runs through my soul. The things I can’t change about myself does not determine someone’s ability to love me or care about me. How they choose to react is a reflection of themselves – not me.
Telling me he only deserves to be in my past and that I shouldn't waste any more time on him, just means you don't know the full situation or have never witnessed the undeniable tension between us that even strangers have pointed out. He never treated me poorly and trust me when I say the timing couldn't have been worse – even if you don't believe in bad timing.
No one should be able to use what they know about my personal experience to dictate what I should do and how I should feel. I now know the type of people to keep in my life and which ones to keep at arm's length.
I just seemed to have found someone whose importance to me and how he fits in my life is unknown. Life has just sent me a puzzle I'm still trying figure out.
And while I don’t know what any of this means, I do know it has nothing to do with me needing someone in order to feel worthy and loved. I am loved by myself, and that’s the most important thing.
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