I remember feeling uneasy as I asked him again, "What are we?" I knew what he was about to say but I've gotten good at making up lies to tell myself from facing the truth. He told me he couldn't love me in the way I needed. Still, even as he spoke the words I still didn't believe it.
How can you pretend to love someone? How can you laugh and talk for hours and feel absolutely nothing? Why? Why would you keep leading me on? Kissing me? Touching me? Holding me?. It all meant so much to me but to you, it meant nothing?
So I left to feel like I had some shred of dignity. On the coldest nights, I wanted him back because a part of me still felt this shimmer of hope, that he will realize that I'm finally good enough. He didn't and he never will.
Then in time, I found it. The way I should have been loved. By someone that wasn't him. It was easy and it was pure. I didn't feel doubt anymore. For the first time, in my life I felt good enough. He made me feel worthy.
It wasn't a game. It was real. He wanted me for who I was. My mind, my body, and my love. It makes me sick to think that for a part of my life I wasn't valued. That I was used. That whole time, I was clinging on to a love that was so one sided.
I wanted him so much I put my own feelings to the side. I felt like he need to be loved more than I did. I know so many girls out there are stuck. They feel a connection so deep and so passionate that they don't want to give it up.
They forget what they deserve because in the moment it feels right. Lust can be cruel. It can make you feel seemingly important, that's why its malice. You feel so good but that ecstasy only lasts for a moment. Then doubt sets in again. It's not you or jealousy or being "crazy". It's them.
It's every time they put you last on their list. It's every single time they get a text from a "just a friend". It's their sick need to keep taking love that was never meant for them. No one who loves you will ever make you feel like you're nothing.
You deserve that type of love this person could never possibility give you.
So let go. For yourself. For that one person who you will meet who will value you.
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