I'm Not A Hot Mess — I'm A Beautiful Disaster

Calling yourself a hot mess is outdated. It reminds me of spilling scalding coffee all my down my white t-shirt. Get it? Because the coffee is hot….hahaha….okay I'll stop. 

The term seems to be heavily overused and misused. I've heard some of the most put together people I know utter "I'm a hot mess" for the most ridiculous of reasons– like they put their hair in a sleek pony instead of curling it, or they forgot to put perfume on. 

So, if those girls who seemingly have all their eggs in a basket and all their shit together, want to call themselves hot messes, then maybe those of us who fit the original definition need a new term. 

So here it is: I'm a beautiful disaster.

And if you can relate to any of these things….you probably are too…

1. I'm always late, but not because I spend ample time getting ready to look beautiful, but because I am constantly getting eyelash glue in my eye and convincing myself I'm going to go blind. 

2. I rush so much getting ready that sometimes I forget deodorant and rub hand sanitizer on my armpits. 

3. I recognize the people who work the fast food drive-thrus by my house….

4. …And when I actually cook for once, I get lazy and consider giving up and heating up frozen Indian food from the store.

5. If I trip and fall, I don't laugh it off and gracefully get back up. I stay on the floor closing my eyes, trying to pretend it didn't happen, which only prolongs the embarrassment.

6. My purse is a receipt graveyard. They live there so long until the letters wear off and you can hardly even tell what the Taco Bell order says. 

7. I have by strangers been told thatI'm too loud when I'm drunk. Maybe that's because…

8. …I take fireball shots, whenever offered. 

9. I think if I turned down a margarita, people would be genuinely concerned I was depressed.

10. I once made out with someone just because he was singing along to the same song as me at a bar.

11. I have never told anyone "I don't think I should go out tonight, I have to wake up early." 

12. Sometimes I drive with the windows down, hoping my tangled hair will look windblown and beautiful if it's messed up just a little bit more. It never is. 

13. My personal motto is there's no such thing as too much glitter.

14. The snacks in my house are things you would put in a third grader's lunchbox: gummies, fruit roll ups, Lunchables.

15. It's a toss up between which is messier— my car or my room.

16. I'm constantly covered in dog and cat hair. 

17. My eyeliner smears so much that by the end of the day I look like Pete Wentz in 2007. 

18. I sleep in club outfits because I'm normally too tired to change. I do a walk of shame from my own bedroom to the kitchen.

19. No one has described me as easy going. 

20. My internet search history is the most shameful secret. 

21. I wear baggy sweaters because they are chic and in style, but also because I feel like I can eat lots of food in them.

22. What is a relationship? I don't have those. 

23. My biggest goal is to be alive in ten years. 

I am a beautiful diaster. Are you? Tag a friend to offend them or make them laugh.