Most people don't know the real story. They either make assumptions or just take your word on things, and I tend to let them, because no one can ever seem to believe how you really are.
The truth is, I've never put so much effort into anything. I've never wanted something to work so much. I never thought I'd sacrifice my own happiness in order for a relationship to work…but I did.
What I didn't realize at the time, was that my happiness was necessary in order for our relationship to be succesful. Not only that, but that you didn't give a shit if my happiness existed or not.
You didn't care if we worked out or if we didn't.
You were wonderful in the beginning. But you were only wonderful long enough to make sure your hooks were so deep under my skin that it would emotionally destroy me if I were to ever lose you.
You promised me things I'll never get. You started things that will never be finished. You built me up as high as you could, just to let me down and watch me fall flat on my face.
What no one realizes, is that I never once stopped trying. I never stopped fighting to keep the promises you made me, because you obviously weren't going to keep them yourself.
You became so incredibly mean. Every bit of you that once cared for me, for us, in anyway, had long dissipated. The harder I tried, the further you went.
I kept our problems a secret. I never told anyone how bad things had gotten, because I didn't want them to be right. I was warned about you so many times, and I was determined that we'd prove them wrong.
Through the name calling, through the cheating, through the emotional and verbal abuse, I kept trying. I kept hoping that I'd eventually get the person I'd fallen so in love with to reappear.
He never did.
What did reappear though, was severe depression. The haunting feeling of constant inadequacy. The sickening feeling of always wondering what I'd done wrong for you to not love me anymore.
Through all of it, I never stopped trying.
Until one day, I realized that I deserved so much more than what I was trying so hard to gain; your approval. I don't need your approval. I never did.
What I need is someone that I don't need to try to convince to love me. Someone that won't give up on me the way you did…the way you forced me to give up on you.
But, at least I can say that I tried. I fought for us, until I couldn't fight anymore. That's more than you'll ever be able to say for yourself.
So, you can continue to blame me. I'm okay with taking the blame for realizing that I deserve more than constantly wondering why I'm not good enough.
But, deep down, you know who's really to blame for us falling apart. And I hope it'll forever sit in the back of your mind, like an annoying itch that you can't reach to scratch.
While it's making you crazy, just know, I'm fine…because I did everything I could. All you did was watch us crumble, and now you can live with it.
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