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I Know it's Scary, but Darling, it's Time to Walk Away

We never planned this. We didn't want this to happen. But somewhere along the way, we lost the connection that used to be strong enough to never tear us apart. I would smile at you, you would smile back, and we both just knew that this was going to go the distance. This was going to to survive anything life threw at us. 

Baby, this was it. You were it. You were my forever

We would lay in bed talking to one other about our hopes, our dreams, the perfect future we would have together. I would tell you about my past, you would tell me about your fears, and sometimes I felt like I knew you better than I knew myself. We would laugh together, you would wipe my tears away, I'd be the one holding your hand when you needed me the most. There was never a day that went by that I ever doubted us. I never doubted our potential. Most importantly, I never doubted how much I truly and unconditionally loved you. 

But something terrible happened. We stopped communicating like we use to. The heart felt conversations that we use to have daily withered away to dialogue that barely scratched the service to anything meaningful.

"Hey. How's work?"

"Good. You?"

"Good."

I wanted to know you. Lord knows I still do. I wanted to know about every facet of your life, big or small. I wanted to know that you're happy, that the direction your life is heading is making your happy, even when I clearly can't. Do you hear me?

I want for you to be happy.

But you've shut me out. The stress in your life has been harder than you can handle lately, and instead of letting me be there for you, all you've been doing is pushing me away. You've become irritable about everything I say to you. Every question I ask is just another opportunity for you to become defensive, just another argument that you can blame on me. But what you don't understand is that I am on your side. I always have been, I always will be, if you would just let me. Let me be the one you can vent to, let me be the one you can lean on. Please, let me love you.

I've been called names, been put down, you have made me feel like I have been more of a chore for you and that treating me right is work. But somehow, I still stayed. I forgave you for all the times you made me feel small. I forgave you for all the times you made me feel rejected. I forgave you for all the times you made me feel like I wasn't worthy of your love. Because that's what you do for the people you're in love with. You make excuses for their behavior instead of looking the truth dead in the eye, and the truth is this.

I DESERVE MORE.

For all the times I fell asleep crying feeling alone and heartbroken for doing absolutely nothing wrong, I didn't deserve that. When you made me feel bad for loving you the only way I know how, I didn't deserve that. When you cussed and yelled at me because of your own insecurities, I didn't deserve that. And lastly, when you decided that I was no longer worth your time and energy, I didn't, and NEVER deserve that. 

You're hard to love, but I loved you anyway. 

It's time to walk away from this. It's time for me to be with someone that chooses me everyday. That loves me for my past and my flaws. To never make me feel as insignificant as you made me feel. I'm excited, but most of all, I'm scared.

I now see the reason why I was holding on so tightly to you was because I was afraid of what life would be without you. I was afraid of being unlovable and never meeting someone new. I was afraid that even though our relationship is rocky, maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side.

But now I know that it is. Grassier and greener than I could ever imagine. 

After I walk away, know this. I will always love you. You had someone right in front of you that cared about you more than anyone in this world and would do just about anything for you. And honestly, I feel heartbroken for you knowing that you're going to have a difficult time finding someone that loved you the way I did. But in the mean time, find a way to love yourself, baby. Don't push the people that care about you away. Love them, hold on to them. Never take them for granted, like the way you did to me over and over again.

Love yourself. I'll be busy off finding someone that I deserve.