I Didn't Mean to Betray Our Love, but Here I Am

In all the years that we’ve been together I never thought this would happen to me… to us. It never crossed my mind that I would slip and majorly fuck up our relationship, but here I am and I have to own up to what I’ve done. I don’t know what will happen after I write the words I’ve been dwelling to utter for quite some time, but I’ve finally gained the courage to confess because the guilt is eating me alive.

I hope for the bests not because I think I deserve it but because I know in my heart that what I did was wrong. I’m not that horrible of a person, I feel more remorse than you probably even realize. It’s a mistake I won’t be able to take back and because of it I might lose you, who I love the most in this world – believe it or not – my partner in crime,  the love of my life. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness but you deserve the truth, and so here it is. I’ve cheated on you.

And yet no matter how many times I say it, the guilt is still weighing me down, so much so I think I’ll sink a few feet underground. This shame and pain I’ve been carrying around with me, trying to hide the truth from you for so long is unbearable. But I know, it’s not my place to even begin to complain about how I’m feeling. Your head must be spinning right now, a million questions forming in your mind and anger beginning to take form in the pit of your stomach just waiting for the right moment to spew all the words I deserve to have screamed in my face.

I know I was hurting you even before you knew, I betrayed you and now throwing this at you I’m hurting you even more. The truth is, either way, I was in the wrong. Just know I wasn’t trying to get away with it by not telling you sooner, I was only trying to cause the least amount of pain. And no, I know I didn’t succeed and I also know that nothing I can say can make any of this better. There’s no justification, I simply fucked up.

I need you to know that in no way this is your fault. I was stupid, weak, and insecure but I always knew what I was doing. I’m not gonna try to play victim. I’ve always felt fulfilled in our relationship, so did I have a legit reason to betray our love? Absolutely not. You’re probably wondering why then… well some part of me was lured by the attention and in hindsight I can see how I have many issues I need to deal with that have nothing to do with you but with my own lack of self- esteem. It’s hard for me to understand how I was able to jeopardize our beautiful relationship with something so trivial. Something must be really broken within me to have done something so stupid.

As I write, I can’t help but think that it all sounds like a cheap excuse to justify my actions. What I did was cheap, it was low and I’m deeply sorry I went there and stepped all over your trust. I don’t expect your forgiveness but I hope you find it in your heart to somehow accept my apology maybe not now but someday. I have to pay for what I did, and trust me, I already am. The guilt I’ve been feeling has consumed every part of my being. I cry every night trying to hold on to all the pain I’ve caused hostage on my chest, but it’s too greater a pain to bare, but I must as there’s no one else to blame but me.

The consequence of my actions are greater than I could have ever imagined. Cheating on you was not worth it, but I did and now I know that I’m not worthy of you. I’m deeply, truly, sorry.

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