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How the Guy Who Was Once My Heaven, Became My Hell

I still remember the first time we met. You made me laugh, made me think, impressed me more than anyone else. You were something special, I never thought in a million years you would be mine. I looked up to you in so many ways, I trusted you more than in a hundred percent. I believed in you, I saw the good in you, I felt safe by your side. 

You became the part of my life in a second and felt as if we’ve always known each other. 

I was hesitant to let you in, I didn’t think it would be a good idea. I wasn’t ready for that. I wanted to fight against you, against us, with everything in. Even if I felt safe next to you, God did I want to kiss you back so badly, I wasn’t sure I could put my heart in your hands. 

I have spent years building the walls around my heart, protecting myself from guys like you. But deep inside I have always dreamed about someone who’s going to be patient enough to take down the bricks of the walls, piece by piece. And you did it. 

I still don’t know how exactly you did it, but you were successful. You took one step towards me every single day, inching your way in. You didn’t push me, you were patient, kind, and made me feel secure. 

I was comfortable enough to believe I could trust you, so I made that step you were waiting for and I got into the happiest, most amazing, most exciting time of my life. I didn’t say it was perfect, we both had issues, but I still can see how much we have grown. 

I was so proud of myself, of us. I felt I could fall in love with no fears, with no stupid, unnecessary games. I was a woman next to a man in an adult relationship, proud to be by your side. Proud of who I was by your side. You did love me, you did care about me, I know that. 

Finally, my heart was beating again. I could laugh, I could cry, I could care with no doubts. I was unstoppable with so much power. I could feel again and I wasn’t afraid of loving you. You destroyed the walls I have never thought anyone was ever going to be able to destroy. 

But then you needed to leave for a time, you needed to find yourself and you couldn’t do that with me holding you back.  

But when you came back I saw your body by my side, but you the soul of my love behind. You never fully came back to me. I knew something had changed… You had changed and my beautiful daydream became a nightmare. You didn’t want to tell me what was going on with you, so I blamed myself. I thought I did something wrong. I was looking for answers. I was crying, suffering, and angry.

It was painful for me, but I was patient, understanding, caring, not even a jealous type. I was open-minded, giving you the space you needed. I didn’t call you 24/7, asking where you were or who you were with. I wasn’t bombarding you with future plans or asking you to make promises to me I knew you couldn’t keep.

I gave you freedom and space. I won’t say I’m perfect, but I am perfect for you, especially now. 

I barely know a girl who would be able to handle your lifestyle. And your past? A thousand and one would run away from you, but I did not. I accepted who you were and I had fallen in love with not only the way you made me feel, not only with your smile, and sense of humor, but I fell in love with every tiny mistakes and flaw of yours as well. 

I was happier than I ever have been. But to feel so confident and sure in one moment than to feel it ripped away from me in another broke me down. And I know you. I know you would never intentionally hurt me. I knew it was not about me, and you told me to “not take it personally” because you have issues. 

Your life got to that point where you need to be focused, but in the other second you made me feel crazy, you made me feel it was my fault our love was destroyed. I was in pain, I was heartbroken and disappointed this is what we came to. We were stuck on a roller coaster that never seemed to end.

But I didn’t want to give up on us because I knew this period of your life was going to end at some point. And I didn’t want to accept that after all this time without happiness you were sent to my life to show me what a real relationship can look like. You showed me how much I can love and how much I’m capable of being loved. 

So I fought for us and it seemed you are fighting for us too, in a weird way but you were. 

And when it was so perfect again, I saw that in your eyes and I felt it in your touch that you did really want me to be with you. You wanted to let me in, but then you had to go and change again and even if you took a step towards me you took two backward. 

I knew you didn’t want to let me go. You couldn’t. But you were fighting inside against something else, something I couldn’t compete with. And I know you, I still don’t think you would ever hurt me. I know how sensitive you are and how much you need that love I can give you. I know that, and deep inside you know that too.

But for now, we got to that point where there are more pain and tears than happiness and laughing. I lost myself. I am not that funny, sassy, weirdo, I used to be. I cannot fight for someone who doesn’t want me to. I love you. I am more than happy I could love you, you are the most perfect person I have ever met. 

One of those ones who really need to be loved, who really deserves that, but it is time to love myself more. I cannot live like that anymore. I cannot love someone who is not ready for that. I need to let you go. 

It is so damn hard. Cause you were something different.

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