Understanding The Lows
Everyone suffers from something. Anxiety, depression, grief, a disorder… really anything. And not always do these people know how to talk about it or ask for help.
Asking for help is one of the hardest things to do because of the fear of judgement and the fear of being ridiculed. Or just not knowing how to ask.
Those who are supporting someone with anxiety or depression may feel as if they aren’t doing enough or that nothing they have done has helped. First off, we notice you trying to help.
We notice you being there, supporting and it means the world. That is helping all on it’s own. Second, you aren’t a professional. We don’t expect you to be, so it’s okay that you feel a sense of doing more harm than good or feeling like you just don’t know how to help.
Trust me, you are helping.
Those who suffer from anxiety or panic attacks:
The idea that people have of anxiety and panic attacks is that a person will pace, speak fast and have to breathe into a bag. While this is the case for some, it isn’t their face of anxiety and panic attacks.
Everyone is wired in their own way so they panic and feel anxious in their own way. For example, a person may obsessively clean, feel the need to have everything perfect and to move at a fast pace to match their fast thinking.
Someone else may stare blankly and become ridged and not move. Then there are those like me that has many faces to anxiety and panic attacks like obsessively cleaning, may become ridged and stare blankly at a white wall or may even have the panic attack where I need to breathe into a bag to control my breathing and to slow down.
How you can help:
SLOW DOWN THEIR THINKING. When friends of mine ask how to make their anxiety stop or at least ease up I usually have them sit down take a deep breath and think about the last five dinners they had.
The last movie they saw or the last major road trip they took. All things that will slow down a person’s thinking. The more they have to think hard, whether that be about what they ate or the last time they did something, the better.
If you are trying to help with a panic attack or anxiety episode and nothing seems to be working, usually a calming repetitive voice will help.
Counting to three for an inhale and an exhale on the count of three helps but may take longer. What I have come to notice with myself and those who I have helped with anxiety is that we focus too much on breathing.
Change the focus, the breathing returns to normal.
Things to avoid:
You panicking because we are panicking, telling us that we shouldn’t be panicked or anxious, telling us to “just calm down” because then you’re just annoying us because we already know we shouldn’t be panicked or anxious but we can’t help it anyways.
Also if you can, try to avoid caffeine or sodas or giving us anything like that, it will only make the anxiety and panic last longer and become even more out there than it was before.
Recognizing those with depression:
Depression is a little bit harder to see from any sorta distance. Unless you know the person and they themselves have trusted you with that information then there really is no solid way to tell.
If you think a person is having a depressive episode or may be in a negative frame of mind, the best thing you can do, much like anxiety, is to help change their thinking.
If the person wants to talk about how they feel, by all means let them, but if it is not the case then changing the subject or starting a subject on bright conversations like exercises, a class, food, or any common interest that will make them think about anything other than how they feel, will help.
Much like cognitive behavioral therapy, where they believe that if you change your thinking, you change your life; if a person you know is struggling and can’t or doesn’t know how to ask for help, you have the ability to help them change their own thinking.
Talk about the weather, the clouds (which is something I do when I ride horses and I feel like I just can’t get it right or I’m getting worked up/feeling anxious. I look at the clouds and think about absolutely nothing.
Sounds stupid but it works in the show ring and out of it), food, or even something as simple as what they are wearing.
If they don’t want to talk about how they feel, help changing their thoughts is a sure way to provide some mental relief.
Helping a person take their mind off what’s bringing them down is a way to help improve their mood or make them feel good about themselves.
With both depression and anxiety they feel they are something to be ashamed about, that they are an embarrassment or that what they feel is stupid, uncalled for, or wrong just because they can’t justify every feeling they have. When that is absolutely just not true (Easier said than actually doing).
But, having a supportive group of people who want to help is one of the best feelings in the world because at the end of the day they have your back and want whats best for you.
Things to avoid:
Telling us we have nothing to be upset about. The person trusted you enough to express how they felt. Just provide an ear to listen and if we want advice, and you have advice to offer, offer it.
Don’t tell us to get over it. And don’t tell us that we are on a pity party. Don’t tell us that it’s getting old, exhausting and annoying to you because I’m willing to bet anything it is absolutely, 110% worse for us, more annoying for us, and more exhausting to us.
DON’T INVALIDATE OUR FEELINGS. We do that to ourselves enough.
Sometimes for depression, anxiety and panic attacks a person doesn’t need you to help by verbalizing something. Sometimes, the best help is through a hug, a hand hold, handing the bag to breathe in, and just letting the moment pass and taking a second to just say “it’s okay.
This will pass.” and letting that ring in our heads for a few minutes.
Sometimes there isn’t any magical thing you can say to us, but you sitting with us quietly waiting with us for the moment to pass is enough.
To all the people helping those out with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, we are thankful for you, even when we don’t say it out loud.