Despite It All, You're Still The One My Heart's Hooked On

 “Can’t believe that I still want you and after all the things we’ve been through I miss everything about you??? 

I have done everything that I was supposed to do, I deleted the text messages, I got rid of the photos, and I started flirting with other guys and told my friends that I was over you. For a few moments I think I actually started to believe it. 

Even though I’ve done all these things and time has gone by why is it that you’re still the one I want?

I know people are just trying to make me feel better when they tell me that I deserve someone else, someone better that wouldn’t treat me like you do. I have to agree that I know I don’t deserve to have been treated how I was in the end and ignored now but I still can’t agree with them.

They see the negative side of you, because that’s the last memory they have and they don’t like to see me hurt. They don’t like to see me throw away perfect opportunities with really nice guys because my playlist decided to play a song that reminded me of you and it reminded my heart to start over beating again.

I’m not crazy and I’m not pathetic, I’m just human, and a hopeless romantic wishing that you’d wake up and see that I am the girl you’re meant to let your guard down to.

Love doesn’t make any sense, it’s supposed to be one of the happiest feelings yet it leads to more tears and heartbreak than anything else.

I love you but I want to be over you, because I’m holding onto a lost cause when it comes to loving you. I know you aren’t going to change your mind, you’re kind of stubborn and once you make your mind up it’s pretty solid. I don’t want to be the girl that is caught up on her ex boyfriend.

I’m asked why I still love you, when you’ve made it clear that you don’t feel the same way. Just like I can’t force you to love me, you can’t force my feelings to just disappear. It’s how you know that they are actually real feelings, because they don’t just drop on a dime. 

They linger, some days they do a better job at concealing themselves, others they do not.

I can distract myself with work, school; shameless flirting, girls’ days and drinking on the weekends but eventually the distractions don’t work. I think the only way you truly get overs someone is by just dealing with the memories when they hit you, until eventually they become distant and it doesn’t bother you to hear something that reminds you of that person.

I wish I could just go back to the last time I remember everything being okay. I’d of held onto the moment a little longer, kissed you a little deeper and hugged you a little tighter. I’d have reminded you how important you were to me and that our relationship meant a lot.

If you called now, I wish I could say I wouldn’t answer the phone, that my heart wouldn’t skip a beat and that I wouldn’t be hoping it was because you finally came to your senses or that I wouldn’t be extremely nervous. I’d be lying if you didn’t know that I wonder what it’d be like if we didn’t end the way we did or at all in that matter.

My story is still the same; I’m just a girl who’s crazy about you. It doesn’t make sense, love never does, and I’m just as perplexed as you are. How can a girl hang onto a guy that did nothing but attempt to push her away and show her he didn’t want to be with her?

I don’t have a logical answer and that is why I know that I love you because it is never logical and it never makes sense and if it has to do with mathematical equation or scientific reason or anything of that sort we already know those aren’t my strong suites. 

Words and feelings are what I hold onto, and they’re what I know and understand.

So I don’t know what you’re doing, I don’t know where you are or whom you’re with. I have no idea if I cross your mind at all and if you think of us ever.

All I know is I can’t control what my heart wants, despite the many of failed attempts and that loving you isn’t a regret of mine and that I hope that, despite it all, you’re happy.

“So tell me what you want me to do. Oh, it’s too late baby I’ve already fallen in love with you.???

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