Dear Kay, I'm Dating a Guy But I Secretly Want to Have Sex With a Girl

This is an advice column and is simply just our advice, not in any way what we’re telling you you have to do. If you feel like you need advice email me at [email protected]

Dear Kay,

Let me start this by telling you I really do love the guy I’m dating, he’s perfect in every sense of the word. He’s sweet and thoughtful, and our sex life has always been intense and passionate.

But I can’t shake this craving to sleep with a woman. I catch myself thinking about it in the middle of the day, when my mind is absolutely blank. Sometimes I even think about it when he’s going down on me, I’ll pretend he’s a girl in my mind… not the best thing to be doing, I know. But I can’t help it, I just want to experience it for myself and know what it’s like.

The only thing is, I don’t want my boyfriend involved. I don’t want it to become a ‘threesome thing’ that he tells his friends about or makes about him. I just want it to be my thing. It’s simply me trying to explore and learn more about sex and myself, and life, I guess.  

Does it count as cheating if I just do it and don’t tell him? I’m nervous he’ll look at me different if I tell him, or he’ll get jealous and think he’s not good enough. And if I do tell him, what if he gets pissed and leaves me? I’m just so torn.

Is it too much to ask to have my cake and eat it too?

–Cake Craver

Dear CC,

I am a firm believer that we only have so many years on this planet, so you gotta do what you gotta do to make yourself happy. And if that means banging another girl, then you have find yourself a girl and make it happen.

You owe it to yourself to be happy and feed the cravings you’ve subconsciously been feeling. The last thing you want is to wake up one day and be filled with regret that you never had sex with a woman.

As for telling your boyfriend, if you want to keep dating him, you’re going to have to tell him. 

The #1 rule in relationships is being honest. It has nothing to do with him, like you said you love him and you don’t want to lose him, but it’s just something you need to do for yourself. It’s like taking your dream job two states away or going back to school full time even though it would cut your hangout time in half. There are just some things in life we have to do for ourselves, and yours happens to be sleeping with a woman. So yes, you have to do it.

When it comes to gut feelings like this, you don’t just ignore them. You act on them, responsibly and logically. You have to take into account that this isn’t going to be easy for him to understand, so try to explain where you’re coming from as best you can. Think if roles were reversed and he came to you with this situation, how would you want him to come to you with this? How would you react?

If I were you, I would rip it off like a bandaid. Just sit him down one night and be blunt with him, explain how what you desire has nothing to do with him, that you love him and don’t want it to change anything, but you need to do it for yourself. Whether it counts as ‘cheating’ or not is up to his transgression. If you’re open and honest about it, I wouldn’t classify it as cheating. It’s not like you’re going behind his back and hiding it from him.

But just remember, he’s allowed to react in a negative way. He’s allowed to be upset, I mean you are throwing him one hell of an obstacle to overcome. All I can say is good fucking luck– get it.


Do you have any advice for CC? Let her know in the comments below!