I wake up, slap some water on my face, and try to find a decent outfit.
It’s literally right then and there that I start the constant battle of questioning every move I make.
What do I wear? Something cute and girly or am I just gonna bum it out? After some back and forth and 3 different outfits that I just have thrown on the ground, I finally have the outfit for the day.
I then head to work and lord knows that could go one of two ways. I am either smiling, acting like I live this perfect life with no worries, or I am a complete bitch because at some point I am going to get tired of faking it and just let it all out.
It’s like I have those moments where everything feels like it is crashing down on me. Mostly because I take things to heart and make up dramatic scenarios in my head about everything.
I seriously hate the fact that I am so concerned about how everyone views me. I wish I could just stop caring so much and just live my life without any worry.
Even on social media, I’m always making sure my image is good. Are my statuses punctuated correctly? Is my hair on point in that selfie I posted? Do all my FB friends think i’m weird because I share too many cat videos?
I am always worried when i’m talking to my friends and family about negative things going on in my life because I am sure that one day they will finally get fed up with my complaining. And then at some point be completely done with me.
For some sad reason, I need constant reassurance that I am loved and wanted.
I honestly have no clue who the real me is because I am constantly thinking about who I can be or who I should be.
I wish people understood how I’m feeling. Where every single day I do my best to make people happy and to make sure everyone knows I am on their side. But since I am drowning in emotions I am not making a single person happy, not even myself.
I feel ungrateful. I should be happy where I am and with everything that I have in life, but yet I’m not. I don’t know if I could ever be satisfied.
Every day I am surrounded by people who don’t give a shit about what others think about them, or don’t care what they wear or how much make up they have on. I envy those people.
It seems like every night I slowly feel my happiness go away. I lay in bed and try to come up with solutions, try and come up with ways to just be happy. But in the end, I wake up every morning the exact same way.
I imagine doing whatever I want and not caring about judgement. That is what I dream about. I want to find myself again and just wake up and be happy. Not content, but happy.
One day I promise I am going to wake up that way. I owe it to nobody but myself.