Suddenly we’re in the era of ‘keeping it classy’ and #StayClassy, when we’re still the same hot mess express riders we’ve always been. So in an effort to save you all from total disarray, there are things you can do to make yourself seeeeem like you’re classy AF. Now, I don’t mean these things will turn you into 1950’s Daisy Buchanan sipping from her champagne flute as her pearls sparkle across her chest. I’m talking about being your sloppy, constant-state-of-blackout self while coming off as one classy hoe. So cheers to you ladies, stay classy (and sloppy).
1. Find a wine you like and make it your staple. You can’t keep it classy by slamming back 5 long islands or tequila shots on a Wednesday. Have a glass of wine. That shits sophisticated. Have the girls bring over a few bottles.
When your boss asks what you did the night before, you get to say you went to a wine tasting. He doesn't have to know that it involved singing Mariah Carey until 4 AM…
2. When choosing jewelry, wear pearls. Everything looks more classy when you are wearing pearls. And if you're passed out drunk in the snow on a sidewalk somewhere, people will usually give you the benefit of the doubt and think, "Oh she must not drink that often. Poor thing." ….Little do they know you call this a Tuesday.
PRO TIP: Buy fake. Only use the real ones when you're trying to impress, like when you're meeting the parents for the first time and need to seem like you're the kind girl to bring home to mom (not the girl he picked up at Hooters 50 cent wing night….)
3. Two words to save your life: Dry Shampoo. Last night's makeup can usually fly at the office with a little touching up but greasy hair is a HUGE tell. Be sure to keep a can of this life-saving spray on deck.
Your coworkers will never know the difference. (The glove box is a good place for this, you will rarely be without.)
4. Have secret groups for your friends on social media and keep all other pages G rated. Social media is the easiest way to show your ass and not your class. Now I understand it's impossible not to want to spam your friends with foul and inappropriate memes, but lord knows grandma doesn't need to see that.
In order to never miss an opportunity to shame your friends by posting their drunk naked pictures from vacation, just create a closed group where only you and your squad can see the unholy content. Feel free to post as vulgar and frequent as you want.
Planet fitness this is what a REAL judgment-free zone is. Take note.
5. Check yourself before you go all out crazy. It's not acceptable to slash your boyfriend's tires in the adult world… unless all your girls agree. Whenever you can feel the blood rushing to your eyes and you know you're about to say or do something that could possibly get you institutionalized, be sure to make a phone call to a lady friend and assess the level of crazy you are on versus how much the situation actually warrants.
Yeah, your teacher doesn't understand how much work you put into that paper, but before you go all Rambo meets the breakfast club, phone a friend and calm down. At the very least, call to confirm someone has bail money.
6. Always have that ‘sensible sister.’ This is formerly known as a sober sister, but thanks to the creation of Uber that not always the case. However, the general rule still applies. You got a girlfriend that turns into the hulk if you add tequila?
Sensible sister makes sure that the bartender knows not to let her have it. You got a friend that always takes her clothes off when drinking too much? Sensible sister comes up with a place to keep them so you don't lose an outfit along with your dignity.
That one friend that always wanders off because "it's all about the journey." …Yeah, sensible sister makes sure she doesn't end up on a milk carton. The key to being sensible sister is just staying coherent enough to make sure the plan you all had to get home safely is carried out….and hopefully with minimal emotional breakdowns.
7. And finally, fake it till you make it. And if you didn’t make it yet, you’re not done faking it. Hey, we will eventually grow up one day. (Or that's what our parents keep hoping) Until then, screw it. Drink the whole bottle. Dance on the bar. Slay that dark lipstick.
I'm sure you have a few fabulous ladies there supporting it all….and probably photographing it.
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