Friends come and go. But sometimes it really HURTS when one starts to pull away. Pulling away is a huge sign that a friend break up is imminent. I had this situation with a friend of mine. We were more than friends, it seemed. We were family. I watched her kids. I spend holidays with her family. We were a frouple (friend couple). But, suddenly, without warning, it was different. One day, it was like we were total strangers. She unfriended me. And I was left with a deep dark hole in my chest and my mind full of WHY? Ultimately, there was no resolution. So I had to resolve it within myself.
Here were my reasons for finally dropping the chase and giving myself peace of mind.
1. There was never any time to see her.
Scheduling time to see her took a small act of God. She was always busy. She never had time, or was too tired, or if we did meet up it was a rushed lunch. Here’s a tip. People make time for the things they want to do and the relationships they want to keep. If you are making an effort to make time but they are not, something is out of balance.
2. When I saw her, the conversations were always negative.
She was not the only one who was at fault for this. I met this friend during a time of transition and she was a great sounding board for my internal mess. I was also a great sounding board for hers. That’s the role we played in each others lives. As my life changed, and hers did too, there wasn’t a lot of drama to act as the glue for our friendship. With no glue, we got unstuck.
3. She really didn’t understand me or my hobbies.
I started experimenting with new hobbies. I began belly dancing, getting into fitness, trying my hand at archery, volunteering for the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. I also left the boyfriend I had at the time, who had a kid. Our get togethers usually consisted of sitting at the bar with her and her boyfriend or going on play dates with the kids. With the kids, most of her outside activities were kid focused. I didn’t fit in anymore.
4. She had no interest in meeting my boyfriend.
I entered a relationship six months ago. From month one, I wanted her to meet him or to go on a double date. It could have been that she was so tired of hearing about my relationship woes that she just didn’t want to sit through another one. But longer term friends will weather the boyfriends, no matter how many you do or don’t have. No interest in meeting my boyfriend, to me, was a clear sign that maybe we weren’t as close of friends as I thought.
5. Our conversations turned into small talk.
I ran into her at a barbecue at a mutual friends house. All I can say is – AWKWARD! I mentioned the last thing I knew about her, that she had started a job. She said it was awhile ago. Then, I realized something, we weren’t Facebook friends anymore. She said she meant to unfollow me and was tired and unfriended me. Well, no wonder I didn’t know what was going on with her, I hadn’t seen her and she wasn’t showing up in my news feed. It’s the modern friendship breakup.
6. We had grown in different directions.
Ultimately, just like clothes, we grow out of people. At a certain time in our lives, it fit and it was great. But as you move on through life, graduate from high school, college, get new jobs, find new relationships, create new priorities in your life, not everyone will fit in with your growth. She didn’t fit in with my growth and I was very sad.
And THAT’S OK!
You will have some friendships in your life that are forever deals. Other friendships will have an expiration date. As William Shakespeare said…
“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts…”
Go forward and meet new players – just try not to get played by keeping them on the cast list too long.