Being this hot of a mess can be exhausting because it’s not like you’re trying to be this way, it’s just who you are.
1. You spew profanities all the time
2. Even when a 90-year-old lady or 2-year-old kid is behind you
3. But you can’t help just blurting out whatever pops into your head
4. Whether it be telling everyone to suck your nonexistent dick
5. Or creating a new phrase of cuss words
6. Your friends never put you on speaker phone when they are with other people, because god only knows what you’ll say.
7. And they refuse to open snapchats from you in public, they never know what crazy thing you sent this time.
8. But that doesn’t matter because even if no one else laughs, you’ll always laugh at your own jokes
9. You just don’t really give thought to how uncomfortably inappropriate it might be
10. And you certainly never think twice about peeing at your friend’s house
11. …with the door open
12. But that’s only because you’re not so savvy when it comes to doors
13. Because pulling on doors that say “Push” isn’t unusual for you
14. Neither is trying to get out of the car with your seat belt still buckled
15. Or tripping over nothing, running into walls, smacking your head against the door
16. And counting to five seconds because you dropped food on the ground
17. If you put on a new shirt then you’re spilling something on it two seconds later
18. But most likely you’re still wearing the same outfit as two days ago
19. Which normally means…
20. Your shirt is on backwards but but who cares right? At least you’re wearing one.
21. And if you’re not then you’re in a dress…
22. because you’re too lazy to piece two articles of clothing together.
23. Your underwear isn’t matching because that’s a lot of fucking work.
24. You’re knowingly wearing two different socks because your feet have two different personalities
25. The make-up you’re wearing may or may not have been from the night before.
26. And for the third day in a row, you said “screw it,” and put your hair in a messy bun
27. Just like you, your house is a hot mess
28. But you know where everything is. You call it organized chaos.
29. Even if you do lose everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.
30. You always end up finding it in the strangest of places
31. …like your keys in the fridge
32. And you might have to cuddle up with your laundry
33. Because you “forgot” to put it away
34. And when you ‘forget’ to run adult errands like grocery shopping
35. You debate ordering pizza because you don’t know if it’s worth putting on pants to open the door for the delivery guy.
36. You own your hot mess status like a boss.