You know what the worst thing is? Hearing amazing news about someone and having to pretend like you’re genuinely happy for them when everything in your life is in shambles. It's infuriating knowing you had a five-year plan, and somewhere along the line, it didn't work out and now you’re face to face with some random girl from high school in Target and she’s flashing her engagement ring at you. You don't really know what went wrong, or where, but it seems like the rest of the world has it together and you’re just… there.
1."Oh my goddddd, you're engaged!!! I'm so happy for you!"
They have these beautiful fiancés, and the most elaborate bridal showers and these bitches are rocking the largest and most gorgeous engagement rings you’ve seen on actual non-celebrity people.
This whole time you were just hoping the next piece of jewelry you rock wouldn’t be CZ.
2. "Of course I want to be your bridesmaid!!"
All your friends are married. Except for you.
People who started dating after you and boyfriend are tying the knot, and you have to pretend you’re excited about it, and that you don't secretly hate your boyfriend for it.
The only possible way you'll fake another smile in a photo booth, or survive another wedding, period, is if it's an open bar. Because wine.
3. "No, really, I LOVE being a bridesmaid."
You’re basically a bridesmaid for hire these days with a closet full of dresses you’d never wear again, which taunt you on a daily basis.
Next time, you're going to wear your pajamas and a baseball cap, because nobody cares what you look like anyway.
4. "It was so nice to meet you I hope I see you around!"
Who are all these people you've never heard of and why are they at these weddings?
These events always have hundreds and hundreds of people at them and you’re wondering if there are even that many people on planet earth that you tolerate. Or, that tolerate you for that matter.
5. "You're gonna have a baby!"
Everyone is pregnant, and you keep drinking the water waiting for something to happen.
But in the meantime, if you have to go to one more baby shower you might lose it.
6. "It's just water weight."
When you’ve been working out harder than ever and you’ve gained weight. It makes you want to cry and binge eat ice cream and watch "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" all day.
Maybe it’s muscle? Or, maybe your scale is broken because there's no way you've gotten fatter. Let’s go with that.
7. "Oh, you're going back to Punta Cana? That's nice."
Your friends are posting these incredible photos on Instagram, and you’re just trying to figure out how to strategically use those couple of vacation days you’re allotted.
I guess that rules out Greece, or Switzerland, but a weekend trip to the next town over at a cheap motel you might be murdered at? Count me in.
8. "Congrats on the raise, you really deserve it."
They've all become the richest people on earth, and overnight no less.
They’re buying these fancy houses that they custom built on million-acre lots, while you’re drinking boxed wine and eating Domino's in the dark because the electric company turned your lights off.
9. "A stay at home mom is totally cool, it's the best of both worlds!"
Now, everyone is a stay at home mom. You’re busting your hump, working three different jobs, stressing about paying the bills, all because you "wanted to have a career."
Well, that was dumb. These broads are living the dream.
These women take pilates and get mani-pedis, get to take daytime naps, and sell one piece of jewelry a week on Etsy and it’s a damn delight.
10. "This is your dream job? Wow, good for you."
Meanwhile, it took you two years to figure out what you even wanted to do with your life, another four years to be accepted into the program, and two years in the real world after graduation to realize you hate it.
And you suck at it. So, yeah, joke’s on you.
Don’t worry though, eventually, it’ll be your time. Until then, keep crushing it. Keep taking all those belly blows from the universe, and keep barely scraping by, and sooner or later you’ll be living the dream too.
Just keep doing you, boo.
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