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What Your Preferred Style Of Swimsuit Says About You

Summer has unofficially begun.  Who cares what the calendar says, though?  As long as it’s warm enough in your area, there’s no reason not to hit the beach or at least your local pool.  It’s the perfect time of year for relaxation and ling in the sun.

Chances are, you’ve already started shopping for a new swimsuit, or you’ve at least dug your old one out of the dresser.  Now, you might think that your choice of swimsuit is no big deal.  It’s just a piece of cloth you use to cover your body and keep from getting arrested while hanging out by the water this summer.  But that’s not true.  You’re giving away a lot about your personality with what you wear by the pool.  So what is your swimsuit saying?

Ladies:

  1. One piece.

    “I’m practical and not too flashy, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a bitchin’ time.  I also might have been on the swim team and high school and just never got around to buying another suit.”

  2. One piece with cut-outs.

    “It kind of looks like my swimsuit got slashed by a tiger’s claws, but it looks good.  I am so Beyoncé in this thing.  Don’t even try to deny it.”

  3. Teeny tiny string bikini.

    “I’m sexy and I know it.  Gisele Bundchen’s kind of my idol.”

  4. Boy shorts and ruffles.

    “I’m kind of a slave to whatever trend Victoria’s Secret is pushing this year.  Boy shorts make my ass look good, the ruffles are cutesy and kind of sexy, and the whole ensemble kind of looks like lingerie, which is edgy as hell.”

  5. Retro or high-waisted.

    “Taylor Swift is my fashion idol.”

  6. Push-up.

    “Don’t you dare make any jokes about me.  If my cleavage is going to be on display to everyone at the beach, you better damn well believe I’m going to have all the help I can get.”

  7. Strapless bandeau.

    “I’m brave and I like to take risks.  There are no straps on this top.  I’m just trusting in my sizable boobs and the laws of physics to keep that bad boy from humiliating me.  It looks so damn good though, so it’s worth the risk.”

  8. Topless.

    “This is my first time in Europe, and I’m probably drunk.  Or just really confidant in my body.  Or both.”

Gentlemen:

  1. Salmon-colored swim trunks.

    “I wear whatever Vineyard Vines and my frat bros tell me to wear.  Or, I’m a grown-ass man and I can’t get away with wearing Hawaiian flower print trunks anymore.”

  2. Super long swim trunks or board shorts.

    “I haven’t bought a swimsuit since I was 15-years-old.  Also, I’m self conscious about my knees and I don’t want you to see them.”

  3. Speedo.

    “I’m a competitive diver, swimmer, or professional at making people feel uncomfortable.”

  4. Cut-off jeans or cargo shorts.

    “I wasn’t planning on going swimming today.  No one told me to pack my swimsuit!.”

  5. Shorts with an Under Armor shirt.

    “I’m self conscious about my body, and there’s nothing funny about that.  Guys get self conscious just as much as girls do.  But I’ll probably just tell you that I don’t want to burn.”

  6. Bottomless.

    “I’m drunk as shit right now.  Where are my pants?”