We don’t always get to tell the people who have hurt us or someone we deeply care about how we truly feel about them. The contents of this letter might come off as thankful for having this person in my life… but these are all the things I won’t do, because of the path this person has so plainly portrayed before me.
I’m not here to thank this person. All I want to do is tell them one thing: I’ll never be anything like you.
Because of you… I’ll never hit a woman.
I remember the first time I saw my mother with that dark ring around her eye. You were renting out the basement to what was my childhood home. It was a place that held a lot of good memories for me, but you turned it into one of the worst.
They say you always tend to more boldly remember the bad times in your life than the good. Well, this image will forever be ingrained in my memory because of you.
I can’t even remember how old I was when this happened, but I remember hating myself for not doing anything about it. My mother would tell me to lie to Child Protective Services when they came to ask questions because a neighbor called about the disturbances or another family member wanted to break up the household, and I would do it… not because she told me to, but because I wanted to stay with her.
I also lied for selfish reasons, like not wanting to go live with my father and leave all my friends behind. The idea of starting anew at a different school and having to make new friends scared the crap out of me, but in time, I ended up doing it.
Because of you… I’ll never cross certain boundaries with my future kid’s friends.
I remember how all my friends loved to come over the house and listen to you cuss and talk sh*t about anything and everything. You would make fun of them.
It’s one thing to be the “cool father figure” and it’s another to just be an immature prick.
Everyone would laugh because you were just so damn funny. Now I realize that they weren’t laughing with you, they were laughing at you… you and the bum we were housing for some reason who would drink 24 packs like they were his morning coffee.
Because of you… I’ll never leech off of my significant other.
The fact that you were a taxi driver who could make his own schedule was no justification for the amount of time you took off because you simply didn’t feel like working. This hurts… that hurts. Deal with it. Be a man and help out.
I can’t begin to explain how many times you called out and I’d wake up in the morning to find you asleep on the couch with some sex channel still playing in the background.
Meanwhile, my mother was off bartending. A job that no woman in her forties should have, unless she for some reason really loves it or she’s providing for her family. It was the latter reason.
Because of you… I’ll never be incarcerated. (*knock on wood*)
You were in and out of jail since you were fifteen. I’m sure my Mother found out sooner than later the type of life you had lead during your relationship.
Some would probably blame her for not having the courage to leave you. I used to feel that way, but now I don’t. She’d always say she feared to be alone. I didn’t get it then. I’d always say she had me.
Now I realize that it’s not that simple when you’re a divorced woman in your early to late forties. Finding someone who will love you in a way that your child or family member can’t is not an easy thing to come by.
Because of you… I’ll never be an alcoholic.
It was you who first showed me what an alcoholic looks like at their worst. An abusive one to be more specific. Whether it was mental or physical, once you breeched a certain point of drunk, it never lead to a quiet night.
You’re the reason I’m skeptical or hesitant to date a woman who drinks a lot. I know that abuse is much more common in men when it comes to alcoholism, but that doesn’t make it less disgusting to watch.
The last thing I want is to watch someone I love be completely manipulated by a substance… to slowly fall into a deep hole and deteriorate before my eyes.
So, it’s because of you that i’ll never be any of these things. I should probably thank you, but all I’m gonna do is tell you how I’ll never be like you.