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The 8 Traits of Lazy Over-Achievers

Some of us can only live in extremes. You have two settings: manic overachieving or sedate lethargy – with absolutely nothing in between. When you’re in stasis mode, you’re worried that you aren’t doing anything, and when you’re in manic mode you dream of finding a beach and lying there forever. If you can recognize this bi-polar approach to life, chances are you’re a lazy overachiever:

1. You have two speeds: lightning and backwards.

You go through life as a colorful blur, attending functions, staying late, and partying hard – until you run out of juice like a defective Duracell bunny. For the following two weeks you will stay in bed, occasionally dragging yourself out of your pit to open the door for the delivery guy. Once you’ve acquired enough dirty laundry and self-hatred, you’ll stick it back in gear and get crackin’ again.

2. If you want things done right, bitch and moan about it until you forget about it.

Seriously, it annoys the shit out of you when you see things being performed incompetently, but the idea that you’ll wade in and fix the problem is just comical. You don’t have time for that; you have three seasons of House of Cards to get through.

3. You don’t think about your choices, ever.

Decisions are generally ignored until the very last second, at which time the choice will be made based on gut instinct alone with no consideration to the pros and cons. This is because you’re either too busy to think about it, or far too lazy to care.

4. Your success is down to a combination of reaching high and blind luck.

Even in your lazy moments, you believe that you should be on top of the world; this need-to-achieve is what forces you to push forward. This attitude, combined with blind luck, has put you in some pretty incredible places – and you have found that the bigger the dream, the luckier you get.

5. You don’t do bullshit.

There’s no time for subtlety with you: either get to the point or balls to it. You’d rather someone be blunt and honest, than try to be nice and tiptoe around the issue. All that sentimental fluff just takes time and effort, and you really can’t be fucked exuding that much energy.

6. You live in spotless cleanliness or war-like devastation.

Once a month, you have a major blitz of your apartment where every square foot is cleaned within an inch of its life. All your clothes are clean, folded and hung, and your desk is organized and pristine. Then, within the next week, the place falls apart and you start sleeping on a pile of once-used clothes and you use pizza boxes as plates.

7. You are your biggest critic but a shameless self-promoter.

You will be the first person to berate yourself for fucking up, being lazy, or wearing the same outfit for four days running. You will over-analyze, pick apart conversations, and reprimand your actions for not living up to your impossible standards. In literally the same hour, you will be praising your own achievements, convincing yourself that you’re the best, and planning on which pose you’ll go for when they finally make a statue of you.

8. Short cuts are the best cuts.

If you can figure out a way to complete a task with half the amount of energy, that’s how it’ll get done. After all, you’re time is precious and you’ve got a 12-hour nap that you urgently need to get to.