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The 12 Stages of Getting Chronically Stoned

If you like to pack it, roll it, spark it and smoke it, you know that the best evenings are the cloudy ones. It’s a coming together with friends and acquaintances to get nicely baked and set the world to rights through a fog of smoke – and is best way to waste a good evening:

1. Picking up.

Always a fun activity: you text your guy, he answers three hours later saying he’s going to be thirty minutes and then you spend the next hour and a half nervously glancing at your phone debating whether or not to message him a second time. Never message a second time.

2. Calling up the troops.

In the mean time you call in the bros and gals and get a good old peace pipe circle ready. They’ve smoked you out; you smoke them out. After all, the first commandment of The Stoner Bible is “Sharing is caring.”

3. Accessorizing.

So you have your long skin papers, your short skin papers, your bowl, your bong, blunt wraps, apple pipe, hookah and vaporizer. It can get packed, rolled, lit and sparked – you’ll smoke the ever loving shit out of it.

4. The Ritual.

Your man has arrived, money has exchanged hands, and now it’s time to get this place foggy. The ceremonious proceedings have begun; you grind your weed, lick the papers, and fingers dexterously curl the paper. We’re ready to begin.

5. Having a smoke out.

This is where it gets a little purple hazy. The joints are passed to the left, the pipe left in the middle for communal use, and the nattering of odd and interesting topics fills the air. This is what brings people together, man.

6. Diversifying.

Well, no point letting a good ol’ gathering go to waste. Time to show off your skills: cross joints, tulips, and stoner engineers come out the woodwork and take you on a step by step process of turning a rubber duck into a functioning bong. It’s a creative melody of getting blazed.

7. Munchies.

It’s about that time, chaps. The fridge is the first casualty: the poor girl gets raided and emptied in the first couple of hours. Then it’s the question of delivery or a walk to the nearest store. Going for both options is the only rational outcome.

8. The cottonmouth, oh the goddamn cottonmouth.

With munchies, comes a dryness of the mouth that the Sahara desert would be frightened of. A pint of water quenches the thirst for roughly 60 seconds; you could do with just sticking your mouth under a raging waterfall. Just so you know, you’re going to piss like a racehorse this evening.

9. Introspective talks.

Now everyone is nicely toasted the deep and meaningfuls can get underway. And by deep and meaningful, you mean the age-old conversation about how everyday, someone on earth takes the biggest shit that day and doesn’t know about it.

10. Netflix binge.

It’s time to cart out the television and get down and dirty with a hardcore cuddle puddle. Get the blankets and pillows out; you are going to another world of comfort. The best thing is, no matter what you’re watching, it’s going to be hella hilarious.

11. The first to drop.

20 minutes into the first film and the snoring begins. Some people can hack it and others, well, the moment they get all warm and comfy the eyes get heavy, the mouth opens and it’s off to the land of nod. You can’t blame them; they look serene as shit right now.

12. Home time.

It’s that moment of the night when people are gently woken up, goodbye hugs are had all round and you’re left to your own devices. The house is a mess, you’ve officially run out of food, and your pockets are several dollars lighter. But fuck it, that was one fun evening.