37 Ways to Spot a Douchebag from a Mile Away

You know how it goes. You think you’ve finally found The One—and then they go and do that one thing that screams DOUCHEBAG! 

  1. They chew with their mouth open.
  2. They don’t tip waiters. Big deal breaker.
  3. Or they’re just plain rude to waiters.
  4. They just keep bringing up their ex.
  5. They’re a VERY toothy kisser.
  6. They recite two or more poems they’ve written for their ex. (Does this happen to other people, or is it just me?)
  7. They compare you to their mother on the second date.
  8. Or they say they want to date someone just like their mother.
  9. Or worse, they’re rude to their mother.
  10. They text during movies. Unacceptable.
  11. You discover that they hate Harry Potter.
  12. They insist on paying for dinner, and then imply that you owe them something because they paid for dinner. Eww.
  13. They pour the milk and then the cereal. (Ok, you can maybe work around this one.)
  14. They make it very clear that they googled you beforehand. Look, we all google each other, but we, as a society, have agreed to lie about it on dates.
  15. Or, you know they’re lying about something because you googled them.
  16. They find their phone more interesting than you.
  17. Wait, are they live-tweeting your date right now?
  18. They begin a sentence with, “I don’t want to sound racist, but…” Nothing good has ever followed that opener.
  19. They think that “women just aren’t that funny.” DEAL BREAKER, DEAL BREAKER, DEAL BREAKER.
  20. They just. won’t. stop. bragging.
  21. Or complaining.
  22. Or mansplaining.
  23. They insist on opening all doors for you.
  24. They have a strong opinion on what you’re eating. Um… sorry my salad offends you, I guess??
  25. They have a strong opinion on how much make-up you should wear. If you prefer less make-up then wear less make-up, the f*ck does that have to do with me?
  26. They flirt with someone else right in front of you. Uh, hello?
  27. They suggest that you would look better if you lost/gained weight.
  28. They send you unsolicited photos of their genitalia. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
  29. They won’t stop texting you after one date.
  30. They cancel dates at the last minute and still expect you to go out with them again.
  31. They have not invested in deodorant. Yikes.
  32. They call you by the wrong name.
  33. They repeatedly “correct” you on something you know more about.
  34. They are excessively aggressive about mini-golf or board games.
  35. They have nothing nice to say about anything.
  36. They make vague threats like, “I’m not going to wait forever.” Are you… going to murder me or something?
  37. They tell you that you look SO MUCH like their ex. Abort mission, ABORT, ABORT.