31 Signs You’ve Become Squidward

As the magic of childhood wanes and the drudgery of the adult world begins to set in, you realize that you’re not the carefree sponge you used to be. Instead, you’ve become Squidward.

The older you get, the more you understand Squidward’s anger:

  1. You’re not a morning person. Is it time already for you to ruin my day?
  2. You’re only happy when people FINALLY leave you alone and you can go back to your life of quiet desperation.
  3. You’ve answered the phone with: Hello. You’ve reached the house of unrecognized talent.
  4. There are always these f*cking cheerful people around with their f*cking creepy dolphin laughter.
  5. You would totally try canned bread.
  6. You don’t have a resting bitch face so much as a permanent mask of apathy.
  7. Your patience for stupidity is minimal.
  8. Customer service jobs are hell for you.
  9. You continually lower your expectations, and yet it seems that they’re never quite low enough.
  10. Romantic movies are not really your thing. It’s just a cruel reminder that I’m single and likely to stay that way forever.
  11. You’re perpetually exhausted. I might as well sleep for 100 years or so.
  12. So your response to stress is usually sleep. Wake me up when I care.
  13. You know that you’re an artistic genius, but you are wildly unappreciated.
  14. Woe to any of your neighbors who make too much noise when you’re having me time.
  15. You just don’t understand the things that seem to amuse some people. Or why they post inane things on Facebook. Or why they’re always smiling.
  16. You listen to public radio.
  17. Your ideal day involves ignoring most other people.
  18. When people are acting ridiculous, you wish you could do a deadpan take to the camera.
  19. Optimism doesn’t come easily to you (but sarcasm does).
  20. You’re never less happy then when you have to pretend to be cheerful.
  21. Another day, another migraine.
  22. When you hear some people speak, you can actually feel your IQ dropping.
  23. You dream of someday having your genius recognized…
  24. …but at the same time you don’t want to ever have to interact with other people.
  25. Good days make you suspicious, because you know something awful is about to happen.
  26. You do kind of enjoy complaining, though.
  27. You’ve said the words I have no soul and meant it.
  28. People have stopped asking you to do things that you hate, because you’re not afraid of saying NO.
  29. On the rare occasion that you are happy, EVERYONE knows it.
  30. Because deep down you do care. A little.
  31. Very deep down, though. Under several layers of disdain and indifference.