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30 Reasons I’m Not an Alcoholic, You Just Don’t Drink Enough

If you don’t know one of these people, there’s a chance you might be that one of these people. These are the people who are in every memory of your good nights. They are people who make you laugh until it hurts, or shake your head with frustration as you explain to the cop that they are your problem. You have held them up too many times to count; you have forgiven them more times than you even know. And you know that without them, your life just wouldn’t be as exciting. These are to the people whose exes think they are alcoholics and their friends accept them for who they are. To you I say, “You aren’t an alcoholic, they just don’t drink enough.”

  1. The real question shouldn’t be why don’t you remember, but why do you?
  2. Bartenders are our friends and they can be your friend, too.
  3. Bigger the bar tab, better the time.
  4. I didn’t throw up because I drank too much, I threw up so I could drink more.
  5. I accept that I drink a lot. I don’t need to go to a meeting for that.
  6. Not being able to walk means establishing real friendships.
  7. I didn’t lose my things, I just put them away really well.
  8. I didn’t get thrown out of the club, they just didn’t want others to be envious of my good time.
  9. I meant what I said drunk, hell, I’ll say the same thing to you sober.
  10. Using men to get you drinks isn’t mean, it’s a smart economic decision.
  11. You can either dance with me, or I’ll have a fun time alone.
  12. I didn’t fall down those stairs, I was just trying to get down faster
  13. I didn’t get lost, I was playing a game of hide and seek that I didn’t tell you about.
  14. I didn’t wake up in a stranger’s bed, they woke up in the bed I was planning on sleeping in all along.
  15. No I didn’t black out, I was simply transforming into my alter ego. Like Spiderman.
  16. No I didn’t break up with you, we just went on a time out.
  17. Maybe that person I made-out with was ugly, but I suffer from Shallow Hal Syndrome.
  18. No I didn’t get cut off, we just agreed to disagree and the bartender won.
  19. No this isn’t a booty call, I don’t only call you when I’m slurring at 3AM.
  20. No I didn’t pee in public…okay I did.
  21. No I won’t stop drinking, and I don’t owe a reason.
  22. Of course I remember your name, I just like playing guess who.
  23. Yes I need this food, and I won’t feel bad about this when I’m sober.
  24. Yes I need that shot, if you don’t believe me, just watch.
  25. No I’m not crying, I just really love you.
  26. No I don’t need to get my stomach pumped, this isn’t amateur hour.
  27. No I’m not hungover, I’m still drunk.
  28. No I’m not concerned about my drinking, I’m concerned about everyone else’s.
  29. No I can’t give up drinking for lent, St Paddy’s day is in the middle of lent.
  30. No I’m not an alcoholic, everyone else just doesn’t drink enough.