To all of the people who misunderstand me: I’m about to shower you with some truth. The fact of the matter is, good people, that you have to stop labelling me as somebody that has an attitude.
I simply have a personality you can’t handle. Just like you have personalities that I can’t handle.
1. The expression on my face is entirely dependent on how much of an idiot you’re being.
It’s not that I’m making faces at you necessarily, it’s just that I’m highly reactive. If you say something stupid, my reaction is probably not going to be all that great.
2. I believe in radical honesty.
If that means telling you that you’re the worst, so be it. Look, if you’re at the peak of douchebaggery, it has probably already registered on my face and you already know what I think. Would you feel better if I lied?
3. If you have a problem with me, that’s none of my business.
I really couldn’t give less of a sh*t what you think of me, so if you decide you want to tell me, by all means do so. It’s not going to make me blink or change a thing about me. To change would be to leave me for you. I’m not leavin’ me for you. Air snap.
4. When I complain, I’m just saying what everyone is thinking…
…But lack the cojones to say out loud. Really, though. Do you know how I know everyone is thinking it? They say it behind your back. I’m actually the more honorable one since I’m saying it to your face.
5. I don’t see the negative side of everything…
… I just refuse to delude myself with positives that aren’t there. I’m not going to sit here and blow smoke up your a** when I know this is a hot mess. I can list several examples of how it’s a hot mess.
Wouldn’t you rather know what the problems are so you can fix them? Oh, that’s right. Of course you don’t, because your ego is the size of Texas.
6. It’s totally your fault. Here, view my powerpoint presentation on the reasons why.
Oh, I don’t take responsibility? F*ck you. I take so much responsibility. I’m not just checking myself, but now I have to spend my time checking you, too. Like that’s how I want to spend my time.
7. Don’t take it out on me if you’re dressed like a slutty Matador.
I’m a person who thinks it’s nice to point out when somebody should probably make a wardrobe change. That’s not attitude, that’s compassion.
8. I see that look b*tch.
You hate me ‘cause you ain’t me. Do you seriously think I can’t see that stank look on your face from across the room? You can’t out-bitchface me, girl. Go ahead and try. Gah-head.
9. Don’t you get loud with me, honey.
And I’m the one with the attitude?
10. I’m not judgmental, I’m discerning.
I think it’s great when people are all like, accept everyone, free love, etc. But that is just not me. I can’t help it if you’re annoying. No, you don’t get a trophy.