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22 Things We Want to Blame on Mercury Being in Retrograde

Mercury may be small, but it is mighty. From September 17th to October 9th (and a few other times per year), Mercury is in retrograde.

This means our world is going to H*ll.

  1. Out of nowhere, your bestie just called you a ratchet ho, and meant it.
  2. The treadmill went dead in the middle of your run, sending you sprawling backward.
  3. You and your squad are having a conversation, except you’re each having a conversation with yourselves. Stacy: “Should I call him?” Becky: “I wonder if it’ll rain.” Jen: “Where is room 403?” Stacy: “I think I’ll call him.” Becky: “I’ll look it up.” Jen: “It must be in the science wing.”
  4. You just bought a ticket to a concert, except it wasn’t a ticket to a concert. It was a worthless piece of paper and somebody scammed you.
  5. Your phone won’t turn on. It says, “water damage.” It has seen no water.
  6. Your professor is speaking English, you’re sure of it, but it just sounds like word salad. “Hemoglobin scheister marmaduke, happily goat cheese sunshine.”
  7. You’re at Best Buy and you see a fitbit for $99. You look the salesperson dead in the eyes and say, “I’ll give you ten bucks for it.”
  8. They just evacuated your plane because they just realized they had seventeen flight attendants and no pilot.
  9. You’ve been stuck in traffic for two weeks because people keep smashing into trees, parked cars, and the car that was three lanes away.
  10. Your internet is acting like it’s 1999.
  11. Bae has gone MIA. You’re this close to filing a missing persons report.
  12. You take your friend to that pizza place you love and you find it’s been condemned.
  13. Siri won’t speak to you.
  14. Facebook is down.
  15. Someone just let you know that the new dress you adore just split open all the way down in back. You’re wearing laundry day underwear.
  16. All bathrooms are out of order.
  17. You have to get to the next episode of Netflix manually.
  18. Nobody knows how to walk. They’re going in zigzag formations, bumping into each other.
  19. You thought you were meeting at 7:30. He thought you were meeting at 8. both of you believe you were stood up because neither of you reached out.
  20. You just signed the lease on that amazing apartment with your friends, and on moving day you find a family of rats in the cupboard.
  21. You lost at flip cup. You never lose.
  22. Donald Trump just said something profound. Woah.