We aren’t in a relationship, but we definitely aren’t just friends. In fact, we're living in the grey area of something in between and we have been for quite some time now.
We always seem to find our way back to each other, no matter how far we may stray. We let each other in with open arms, knowing we are probably the worst two people on the face of the earth to be together - or be "kind of" together.
But I can’t do this anymore.
Relationships aren’t supposed to be complicated. Healthy relationships aren’t supposed to make me cry myself to sleep at night and wake me in the late hours of the night as my phone goes off, and I don’t even need to check and I know it’s you.
You keep me on my toes, and I know you know - you have me wrapped around your finger.
We aren’t what we need, but we have been through so much, it almost seems like we are an extension of one another. There are some moments I don’t think I could function without you. There are things I encounter in life, and it’s nice to have your arms wrapped around me, knowing I’m not facing it alone. But then there are those moments, where I do face it alone, and I need you and you aren’t there.
We know one another in a way no one does. We have a past full of regret, and the only good that came out of it was each other. And if you asked me years ago, if our lives would still be this repeating chorus of circles we run in, I would deny it. But, here we are.
There is something quite inviting about a vile poison you wonder will kill you or not. There is something enticing about danger and taking chances and playing with fire, hoping you don’t get burned. But we burn each other so deeply, it’s something that doesn’t even hurt anymore.
I want you to know a few things. I wanted us to work. I wanted us to come out on top, with hopes of telling everyone they were wrong about you. I wanted us to come out together of that vortex we each created sucking one another in and spitting each of us out. I wanted us to make it.
There is no denying love might be there, hidden beneath the ashes of the chaos we created. But I can’t keep waiting with false hope that we will make it out of this. I’m not one to ever give up on people. I know you know that is true about me. But I can’t keep letting you in and out of my life leaving me with questions of where we stand. We get along one second and are screaming at each other the next.
Regardless of all of this, I want you to know how much I do love you. I want you to know, had there been reason to believe we could make it, I would have stuck it out. But it’s an unhealthy cycle that needs to be stopped. I know I’ll get my fairytale, and it’s a tough pill to swallow it probably won’t be with you.
You can only hurt people so much before they are left with no other choice but to walk away.
So I’m walking away with a heavy heart, full of tears and saying goodbye to you. I need you to let me go this time. I need you to let me learn, how to grow without you. I need you to not chase me. Because I know I am not strong enough to not turn back around. So let me go.
And as I walk away, I’ll walk with a confidence that if we are meant to be, we will be. So until then if I see you down the road, please only be there if this almost thing is something of the past. Please only stop me, if you can love me the way I deserve.
I love you with all my heart. Sadly, though, loving someone with all your heart doesn’t mean the feelings will always be reciprocated.
And although it wasn’t a relationship, you were almost everything I needed.
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